i just love these online quizzes

in the space of less than a month, four different people have, with varying degrees of tact, told me i'm hitting the sauce a little heavy--and since i had long since arrived at this opinion on my own (whatever my other faults, denial really isn't a part of my make-up), i decided tonight to apply some objective, dispassionate third-party analysis to the situation, find out where things really stand.

so after a little searching, i came across this website and decided to take their "are you an alcoholic?" test. i did a cursory scan of the instructions and noted nothing unusual, until i came across the following sentence and knew i was in trouble before i even began:

One drink is defined as 12 ounces of beer, 5 ounces of wine, or one standard cocktail (1.5 ounces of 80-proof liquor).

to clarify my consternation, lemme give you my definition of a standard cocktail [such as, for instance, the one i just whipped up in preparation for taking this goddam test]:

i grab a plastic fast-food cup--i have several, all identical--and pour vodka up to the little line where the cup goes from being cupholder-friendly to swelling out to its true size. i then add 7-up or whatever to within two inches of the rim, then top off with ice--always the same, proportions never vary.

and up until tonight, i had never thought to measure how much vodka that actually was. but now, thanks to the demands of this test and my trusty pyrex measuring cup, i know that the standard mkf cocktail contains right at six ounces of alcohol. so basically, before i even start this test i'm at a 4:1 handicap--god, i am so fucked already.

oh well, fuck it--let's get started.

1. How often do you have a drink containing alcohol? 2-4 times per week (perfectly respectable, you ask me--so far, so good).

2. How many drinks containing alcohol do you have on a typical day when you are drinking? damn, they had to ask that. i mean, i could say 3-4, but that's only in guttermoralityland; the true answer, for purposes of this test anyway, is 12-16 (which i'm thinking, when the tabulations are done, is probably not gonna skew in my favor).

3. Thinking about a typical week, on how many days do you have at least one alcoholic drink? (If you don't drink every week, answer for a typical week in which you do). this seems redundant--see (1) above.

4. How often do you have six or more drinks on one occasion? how often does rose kennedy pull out her black dress? (and if you don't understand this reference, you're probably too young to be reading this blog).

5. Thinking about the past year, what is the greatest number of drinks you've had on any one occasion? i dunno, maybe the equivalent of 18? (i.e., i don't think i've ever made it all the way through five mkf cocktails--talk to me next year, though.)

6. How often during the last year have you found that you were not able to stop drinking once you had started? never. i still stop when i'm no longer having fun, for whatever that says about me.

7. How often during the last year have you failed to do what was normally expected from you because of drinking? see, this is what's interesting--i apparently metabolize alcohol like a motherfucker. i've "called in sick" a maximum of maybe four times in the last year; for the most part, i can drink a third of a 1.75 liter jug of vodka, stagger off to bed and be at my desk six hours later, relatively hangover-free--go figure.

8. How often during the last year have you needed a first drink in the morning to get yourself going after a heavy drinking session? never--what do you think i am, an alcoholic?

9. How often during the last year have you had a feeling of guilt or remorse after drinking? this question would require a blog of its own to answer.

10. How often during the last year have you been unable to remember what happened the night before because you had been drinking? unfortunately, never--what do you think wakes me up five hours later?

11. Have you or someone else been injured as a result of your drinking? if this includes psychic injury to unwitting bloggers, friends and strangers i've drunk-commented or -emailed over the years, then the field is strewn with carnage. if we're talking actual physical injuries, then i'm still in the negative column (i think).

12. Has a relative or friend or a doctor or other health worker been concerned about your drinking or suggested you cut down? um, maybe.

so anyway, that was it--twelve questions. i hit the "finish" button, and the following came up:


like i needed a test to tell me this.