caught in the act

.

i'm beginning to think this little fling with rupert might be more serious than i thought.

maybe this time

.
i'd been told for so many years that once i finally made myself watch it, i'd love it, but...turns out, not so much.

i kept waiting for this overhyped and overrated film to convey to me that dark combination of decadence and foreboding that was the hallmark of the berlin underworld in the late 1930s, as its seedy denizens indulged in their vices even whilst sensing their world was about to come crashing to an end.

sadly, it never happened.

but as big a disappointment as the thing proved to be, there will always resonate within the soul of mkf that one unforgettable scene in which sally gets up there and sings her heart out to a tiny, indifferent crowd.

i hear ya, honey.



Liza Minnelli - Cabaret - Maybe This Time by xilegay

tempting fate

i was pretty happy with this purchase until i remembered my cat bought the farm about a week after i dragged home that 50-lb bag of cat chow.

israel loves iran

.

i read this and just shook my head.  nobody wants this war that's coming--not the iranian people, nor the israelis, nor the americans.

nobody.

except for the military-industrial complex and its shills (because that's what they do), the american president, perhaps (because, when it comes to war, even disillusioned voters rarely change horses in mid-stream), the israeli government (because they seem hell-bent on playing into the hands of the enemy), and the iranian government (because what better way to rally the people behind a regime on the verge of collapse than to present them with a common threat from without?).

it's always been that way, of course.  the people never want to fight, suffer deprivation and die, unless they've been whipped into a sufficient frenzy of bloodlust against the "enemy" by the master propagandists who lead them.

*     *     *     *     *

i remember the night of 9/11, when, in contrast to the images of the rest of the wildly-celebrating muslim world flashing across my TV screen, the iranians held candlelight vigils in somber unity with the americans.

and even as filled with rage as i was that night, it was so clear to me--it was right there for the asking. all we had to do was bury the past we had done so much to create, drop the sanctions and offer this literate, cultured people the helping hand needed to allow their fledgling secular government to take hold and flower.  and we'd have had it:  that holy grail, a large, stable, oil-rich democratic ally in the middle east.

ah, but where was the money in that?  no, much better to ramp up the rhetoric and the sanctions, declare iran part of the axis of evil, rebuff its government's repeated efforts at rapproachment, enrage its populace and create the climate that would allow the fundamentalists to sweep into power, and thus set the stage for what's coming.

and, meanwhile, far better to squander countless lives, a trillion dollars and our national prestige in order to impose an ephemeral, phony democracy upon a neighboring people ill-equipped to handle it, which will survive only so long as we're there to enforce it, after which the country will descend into the sort of chaos which will happily ensure our continued military intervention unto perpetuity--perfect, right?

seriously, anybody left out there who still doesn't believe that war is choreographed long before it happens should have his head examined.

sometimes i use my powers for good

.

so tony called last night, really wanted to see me, needed to talk.

i mentioned tony briefly in this post--only redeeming character in it, actually--and my resolve to ignore his calls and texts because i think i'm bad for him.

but last night he needed me, and i said ok.

i should mention that one of my more annoying characteristics is my compulsion to offer advice to people for which they not only don't ask, but mostly don't want.  and the fact that it's generally good advice that's almost always ignored makes no difference--i persist in doing it anyway.  (why? probably because fixing other people's lives is so much easier than fixing one's own, but that's only an educated guess.)

tony's one of the rare ones--he always listens to me, which is one of the reasons i think the world of him, and why i went and got him last night.

the other reason i think the world of tony is because he's a pretty amazing kid--he decided early on what he wanted outta life, and, with no help or encouragement from his family or friends, set out to make it happen.  and now he's in a good school studying international business, and his future is bright.

but i knew he was having a tough time with dorm life, and sure enough, that was last night's topic.

handsome, gregarious and outgoing, tony is a people magnet, and the suite he shares with three other guys--one of the few with a kitchen--has become a natural gathering place for his floor.  should be great, right?

yeah, unless you're closeted, suffused with christian guilt, and terrified somebody's gonna discover your secret.

"i think they suspect--i mean, i push girls away all the time, and i'm the one cleans the place, buys the food and supplies and plans the parties--they call me 'the hostess'.  and one of my roommates just came out as bi, and he's always giving me looks and making comments and the rest of 'em join in, asking what's up, why don't i have a girlfriend or a boyfriend?"

suspect, hell--they know, tony.  everybody in the dorm knows--it's been topic one behind your back for months.

"and i just smile and change the subject, but i think it's getting to me."

yeah?  how so?

"i'm stressed all the time.  and then there's my blood pressure.  it's funny--i wake up in the morning and it's fine, but by the end of the day, it's pretty high."

this surprised me.  in addition to being young, tony's very athletic, eats well and is in superb shape.

"i've had high blood pressure for awhile, mike. runs in my family--lots of black people have it."

oh.  yeah.

"so what should i do?"

here's the first thing i want you to do:  from now on, every time you have to lie, deny or dodge, or laugh at a gay joke, or pretend interest in a girl, i want you to go immediately to your room, grab your blood pressure cuff and take a reading.  and i'll bet you'll find that it's high.

he thought about that a minute, made the connection. "yeah, that makes sense."

the next thing i want you to do--and it doesn't have to be tonight, tomorrow or next week--is sit down with your bi roommate, ask him when he first knew, and eventually lead the conversation around to yourself.  that way, you won't have to make some big, dramatic announcement--it'll be all over the dorm in ten minutes without your doing a thing.

"wow, that's scary."

damn right it is.  but you know what, tony?  they know.  and, guess what?  they. don't. care.

"so i should tell him everything?"

no.  tell him about the gay part, but hold back on the "only into guys over 45" part for awhile--trust me on that one.

"i dunno if i can do it, mike."

look me in the eyeballs.  the advice i'm giving you is what i would give my left nut if i could go back in time and tell myself when i was where you are now.  every day, every year you wait and hide and lie is taking its toll on your health and your psyche.  it's twisting you into something you're not, and something you don't wanna become.

"you really think so?"

i know so.  and when they come at you with shit like wow, you're really queer? and damn, i knew it!,  and why didn't you tell us?, come back at them with confidence and strength, whether you feel it or not.  they'll take their cue from you--if they sense fear or shame, they'll rag on you; if they don't, the shit-storm will pass in no time.  and pretty soon, that confidence will be real.

just think about it, ok?  take the seed we've planted tonight and let it grow--and, when you're ready, do it and you'll never regret it.

"ok, i will."  and i wondered if he would.

but not for long.  before i was even halfway home from dropping him off, the text message that heads up this post blinked alive on my phone.

*     *     *     *     *

today i texted him, asked him how he felt.

yeah, my two-sizes-too-small heart has grown three sizes since last night.