would you drop your pants for this guy?

.
no? then obviously you're not straight.

while i thank whatever god there might be that my personal interest in unavailable straight guys lasted only for about as long as it took me to figure out there were all kinds of perfectly-acceptable homogays out there who were more than happy to get naked with me, that fact in no way discounts--as has been mentioned previously--my fascination with the intricate machinations employed by shlubs like jeffrey graybill in order to get into the pants of clueless straight guys.

this guy's shtick? he'd post ads on craigslist posing as a fertility doctor looking for sperm donors and offering the lucky recipients $4,000 for their goods if they met his rigorous standards. needless to say, he found lots of willing idiots--as many as 40, they think--before he got caught.

my favorite quote from the various news sources i've perused concerning this story would be the following:

He would collect semen, urine and blood samples from victims before touching the men inappropriately during hernia and testicular examinations, according to police.

i mean, jesus god--how many stupid straight guys are out there, anyway?

[never mind--total rhetorical question]

have ya seen this story?

.
i dunno if your adolescent daydreams were anything like mine--more often than not, i'd find myself sitting in class as the teacher droned on, slumped in my chair and casting surreptitious glances around the room, thinking, "i'd do him...and him...and him...oh, definitely him...and him...and him...damn, i wonder what he looks like naked?....oh, and please, god, him..."

anyway, you get the idea. sometimes i'd even construct elaborate scenarios in which the guys in question were forced in some exotic way or another to submit to my will. it was fun, passed the time, but that's all it ever was--hell, i knew the closest i'd ever come to having sex with all the guys i lusted after in high school was in my own mind.

can anybody relate? i'd be more than willing to bet the answer to that question is "yes."

now, let me ask you another question: what if, back in those horny, hormonal days of your youth, you had come up with a way to make those fantasies come true--would you have done it?

well, tony stancl sure as hell did--and if he hadn't been stupid, he probably woulda gotten away with it.

* * * * *

picture it: tiny little town of new berlin, wisconsin. kid emails a bomb threat to his high school and is almost immediately caught. as the authorities go through his computer, they come across a folder in which are nested thirty-nine subfolders, each (a) bearing the name of one of his fellow male students, and (b) containing still images and/or video of said student, naked.

as said nakedly-depicted students are questioned, a pattern emerges. seems ol' tony had set himself up a fake facebook account, posing as a luscious young female, complete with pictures. he then, in the guise of said female, contacted the objects of his desire, expressed interest, and promised 'em nude photos of "herself"--if only they'd send nude photos and/or video of themselves first.

amazing how many of these boys--ranging in age from 15-18--fell all over themselves doing just that.

at which point it got interesting--once he had the incriminating photos, our boy contacted the marks, revealed the scam and told 'em that if they didn't have sex with him, he'd broadcast their nude photos to the whole student body and/or their parents.

at least seven (and, the authorities suspect, many more) of the boys did exactly as they were told.

* * * * *

you know, sometimes i just sit here, sip my cocktail and shake my head.

and this week's "i love humanity" award goes to...

actually, it's a tie between

1. the skull-bong guys


these geniuses decided it'd be cool to hit a cemetery, dig up a corpse, detach the skull and make it into a bong from which they could smoke their devil weed. i mean, how fucking cool is that?

and they were the undisputed front-runners until along came

2. the epilepsy hacker

i really, truly loved this one--guy hacks the epilepsy foundation's website, finds a support-group page and bombards it with seemingly-helpful messages which, once opened, assault the reader with strobing, flickering images designed to send said (presumably epileptic) reader into a custom-made seizure.

so it's dual winners this week (and yes, byzantine boy, a good alternate title for this post might've been "criminals i'd fuck if we were sharing a cell" if only i'd had a picture of the epilepsy hacker to know for sure).