and while we're doing the week in review, let's check in and see what cruella's been up to

and she's been a very busy girl--seems this paragon of patriotism and perfect timing decided it was time to take another swipe at michelle obama's "for the first time, i'm proud of my country" freudian slip misstatement this week. problem is, she chose to do it at almost exactly the same time laura bush was being lauded for her graciousness and magnanimity in giving michelle the benefit of the doubt for the same remark.

cindy, sweetie, as someone who lives in his own little glass house, lemme give you some advice: quit throwing this particular stone, because (a) it's tired and, in case you haven't noticed, the momentum has shifted; and (b) you keep taking swipes at michelle, before you even know what hit you it's gonna come back around and bite you in your homewrecking, drug-addicted, charity-embezzling, whistle-blower-firing, cover-up-orchestrating, all-the-pilates-in-the-world-won't-lift-it-anymore ass.

[oh, and quit troweling on the make-up like a trollop, you cunt.]

you paying attention, johnny?

while you were making your pallid little proposal for maybe opening up offshore drilling in florida and california, a million goddam people signed a petition to open up drilling everywhere--and, in case you and the lame-ass cretins running your campaign don't understand the significance of this (and even if they're exaggerating their numbers), lemme spell it out for you this way: in this disjointed, disinterested country, do you have any idea how hard it is to get anywhere near a million people to sign a fucking petition this fast for anything?

i'm telling you--get out there, unite your party and the people behind this singular, compelling issue by making the kind of speech i recommended in this post.

[or be gutless and cautious--run on this issue with the same level of passion that al gore ran on his record as clinton's vice president, and lose for the same reason.]

so what's up with our lord and savior this week?

[text]

well, today he announced that, contrary to his earlier pledge, he's eschewing the guarantee (and inherent limitation) of public funding of his campaign in favor of the risks (and potentially unlimited rewards) of private fundraising.

the spin: when he made that promise he didn't realize that, gosh darn, his opponent might fight dirty.

the reality: he made that promise back when he was weak and had no idea he'd ever be this strong (kinda like when hillary released all claim to the michigan and florida delegates back when she was strong and had no idea she'd ever be this weak, only in reverse).

the conclusion: he's no different than any other lying unprincipled scumbag opportunist politician who'd say or do anything necessary to win his office.

the message: open your eyes, people.

update: but you know what? right after i triumphantly hit "publish" and patted myself on the back for yet another post well done, i thought, "hell, mkf--you pride yourself on your objectivity; mix yourself another drink and look at it from his point of view for a minute."

so i did.

and what if barack is telling the truth--what if he did make that pledge in good faith?

then what that tells us is, he's a wide-eyed naif with a tendency to make rash promises on which he later has to renege once he actually understands the whole deal--which should make his first few months in the white house interesting not only for him and his rabid, credulous disciples, but for the nation and the world as well.

in other words--open your eyes, people.

[and understand, i'm not telling you not to vote for the guy; i'm merely telling you to open your eyes before you so wholeheartedly buy into all his happy horseshit.]

because sometimes it's what's on the outside of the envelope that matters

[text]
this came on a letter yesterday and since i can't take my eyes off of it, i decided to share it with you--enjoy.

and yeah, the postal worker who canceled this stamp should be shot*.



________________
*by another postal worker, of course

because even this blog needs an occasional happy post

[text]
yeah, i treated myself to the entire five-year run of the dick van dyke show--every original, uncut, digitally-remastered episode of (with the one obvious exception*) the best situation-comedy ever to appear on television, complete with all kinds of cool extras.

and tell you the truth, i dunno why i waited so long--god knows i can probably count on one hand the things in this world i love completely and without reservation, and this show is one of 'em.

so v came over tonight, we cracked it open, and my intention to watch a few a week in chronological order went out the window pretty much as soon as he told me he had never seen the show before (ah, to be that young).

to give him the proper flavor, i decided to hit him with a couple hand-picked episodes (starting out with my all time favorite--the one with laura and the raft), but then two turned into four and then seven, and they were all as fresh and smart and funny as i remembered--and it was great experiencing them through the eyes of someone for whom they were brand-new.
________________
* and, as an extra-added bonus (and because there is no more dangerous and volatile combination known to man than an impulsive drunk and amazon's helpful "buy with one click" feature), i somehow ended up with the complete i love lucy as well--they were out, but they tell me it'll be here next week.

and the winning strategem is...

[see previous post for context]

picture in your mind john mccain calling a press conference tomorrow and giving something like the following speech:

"i feel your pain at the pump, my friends. what's more, i see billions of dollars going each year to the middle east, venezuela, canada and mexico that could--and should--stay right here, to be invested not only in finding new american oil, but in creating thousands of new, high-paying american jobs.

therefore, i'm declaring today that when i'm elected your president, my first priority will be to work with my fellow republicans in the congress [it'd be a nice touch for a few of 'em with shaky seats to be standing behind him while he's saying all this--shame they all hate your guts, huh, johnny?], and with those democrats who truly care about our economic future, to open up the ANWR province of alaska, and the oil-rich areas off the shores of california and florida, to new exploration and drilling.

it's an idea whose time has come--no longer can we afford to be dependent on others for our energy needs [and then he can hammer home this point for a minute or two, appeal to their patriotism and nationalistic pride and soften 'em up for the kill].

i feel i can say without reservation, my friends [you gotta put that in a few times, because you know he loves saying "my friends" a lot] that the minute the hedge funds and futures markets realize the seriousness of our resolve, the price of a barrel of oil will drop by at least $50, and the price of gasoline will follow."

and then, point made, he can blather on for awhile about how it's been the democrats with their wacko environmental ideas who have gotten us into this mess, how the drilling can be done in an environmentally-sensitive manner, and how doing so will restore america's greatness and the cheap gasoline which is our birthright as americans, yadda yadda yadda...

and you know what? i think it's a winner.

sure, the die-hard left would scream, as would california--but he's lost them anyway. the point is, after the hammering middle-americans have taken in their pocketbook lately, i think they'd abandon all the lofty environmental positions of the left in a fuckin' heartbeat if it meant even the mere promise of cheaper gas.

and the best thing is, there's not a goddam thing the democrats could offer in response, other than pallid wailing and gnashing of teeth about the "environment." which, as a happy bonus, would make them look like the hypocrites most of 'em are on this issue--expecting as they do to continue to use the majority of the world's oil output, but with a "not in my backyard" attitude about domestic drilling.

so there it is--even though i'm way behind the curve on this idea. the only excuse i can offer for my own myopia here is simple indifference: i haven't been paying attention to newtie and his boys on this one because, truth be told, i could give a rat's ass what gas costs; far as i'm concerned, the higher it goes, the more of the riff-raff it'll get outta their rattletrap cars and onto the buses where they belong so i can get to work.

so thanks to apollo over at snarky bastards for bringing it back to the forefront of my mind via this post--seriously, folks, i've thought this thing through six different ways from sunday, and i don't see how it could--if spun properly, of course (lee atwater, where are you when johnny needs you?)--fail to resonate with the public, endear mccain to conservatives and get him a lotta votes he would otherwise never see.

[unless, of course, the oil bubble bursts before november, in which case he'll be as fucked then as he is now.]