never ignore the vibe, children--it always tells the truth

.poured a cocktail, went exploring backwards tonight and came across this post, which re-reading triggered the following heretofore-forgotten memory:

the celebrity wife is walking me around the garret with its dormer windows overlooking the beach, airily explaining how she wants to turn it into a playroom for her kids; all the while i'm nodding, smiling and taking notes, my insides are screaming "please god get me the fuck outta here."

it was only later that i learned that this claustrophobic little space which had so given me the cold, clammy heebie-jeebies was the self-same attic where william peter blatty spent several months polishing his final draft of the exorcist.

coincidence? you think so, go spend an hour there and then get back to me.

sober update: oh, wait, you can't--i forgot; we tore it all out and changed it all up. whatever; i still wouldn't let my kids play up there for all the fuckin' tea in china.

love keeps coming to my door with a sleeping roll, and i keep telling it to fuck off

.
i am a conflicted soul of the highest order; the gap between (a) what my heart tells me i should feel and do; and (b) what i actually do feel and do, has been insurpassably vast for as long as i can remember--and it just keeps growing.

and whenever i nut up for the good fight against my dark side, the backlash can be intense and immediate.

a former roommate summed it up this way: "you know, mike, whenever you start talking about the emptiness of hook-up sex, i know it's time to get ready for one of your famous four-day fuckfests."

thing is, he was usually right.

[this would be the same roommate who would equally-famously go on to sneer "spare me your gutter morality" at me in front of lots and lots of people, but that's a story for another day.]

whatever--when i was younger, the therapists i consulted called this phenomenon "resistance," and they all told me i had an awfully strong case of it.

in other words, there's something very strong within me, that--no matter how bad it might fuck me up in the long run--not only likes things just exactly the way they are, but, when faced with a strong pull in the other direction, will go to inordinate lengths to maintain that uneasy equilibrium that keeps me where i am.

such is the case today.

i won't go into it all now; suffice it to say that, no matter what comes along to pull me up to the light, all i can seemingly do in response these days is kick back down towards the dark as hard as i can.

i'm feeling you strong tonight, joni--while i'd like to believe you've long since left your city of the fallen angels behind, i can't help but wonder every time i listen to this song if i'll ever let go of mine.