i am a conflicted soul of the highest order; the gap between (a) what my heart tells me i should feel and do; and (b) what i actually do feel and do, has been insurpassably vast for as long as i can remember--and it just keeps growing.
and whenever i nut up for the good fight against my dark side, the backlash can be intense and immediate.
a former roommate summed it up this way: "you know, mike, whenever you start talking about the emptiness of hook-up sex, i know it's time to get ready for one of your famous four-day fuckfests."
thing is, he was usually right.
[this would be the same roommate who would equally-famously go on to sneer "spare me your gutter morality" at me in front of lots and lots of people, but that's a story for another day.]
whatever--when i was younger, the therapists i consulted called this phenomenon "resistance," and they all told me i had an awfully strong case of it.
in other words, there's something very strong within me, that--no matter how bad it might fuck me up in the long run--not only likes things just exactly the way they are, but, when faced with a strong pull in the other direction, will go to inordinate lengths to maintain that uneasy equilibrium that keeps me where i am.
such is the case today.
i won't go into it all now; suffice it to say that, no matter what comes along to pull me up to the light, all i can seemingly do in response these days is kick back down towards the dark as hard as i can.
i'm feeling you strong tonight, joni--while i'd like to believe you've long since left your city of the fallen angels behind, i can't help but wonder every time i listen to this song if i'll ever let go of mine.
2 comments:
i'm worried..
But then again, i worry all the time.
especially about you.
YHM is right. There is reason to worry. One day, you will actually feel okay doing the trapeze without a net. But you keep looking down.
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