fine, i have a drinking problem

[and yeah, i'm not talking about politics much these days--sue me, i've been preoccupied--but i'll get back to showering all of our lame-ass candidates with contempt shortly, i promise.]

and it's not like my little problem is news, but it was nice being able to quantify it--according to the test i took the other night (see previous post), only 3.5% of americans drink more alcohol than me in any given week; puts me in a select group, huh?

but it's not a group i particularly wanna belong to anymore. i needed more perspective so over the past couple days i decided, with some reluctance, to turn to the blogosphere, seek out some folks who've been there before me.

[why reluctance, you ask? that's simple: my relationship with the blogosphere is uneasy at best--from day one, i never fit in, for any number of reasons (being a non-liberal faggot, for one thing; and a loose cannon when i'm drunk, for another). whatever the reason, i tend to either bore, horrify and/or alienate other bloggers with a fair degree of regularity; as a result, i can count on the fingers of one hand the ones--that i care about anyway--who'll still have anything to do with me (and thanks for hanging in there, guys). nevertheless, i needed some input--and i was not disappointed.]

my first realization was, recovering-alcoholic bloggers are pretty goddam eloquent when it comes to describing what they've been through.

the second, and most important, realization was that i am not an alcoholic--and no, that's not denial; it just means it's become clear i haven't earned that badge yet. in fact, after reading this post in particular, i realized that calling what i'm dealing with 'alcoholism' would trivialize the struggles of true alcoholics in much the same way as comparing don imus' "nappy-headed ho's" to rosa parks trivializes the struggles of true victims of racism (and yeah, it's this kinda analogy gets me in trouble with the libs).

consider: lush though i may be, and even though i've gotten to the point where i can drink most people under the table, it is demonstrably clear that i am not yet addicted to alcohol--i never drink past the point of pleasure, i never drink to the point of lethal toxicity (i.e., i never vomit), i never pass out drunk, i never drink in the morning, i function perfectly well the morning after and i can go for weeks without a drink if i so choose. in other words, while i may well be a habitual heavy drinker, i'm still operating well within the realm of choice (and as a former smoker you'd think i'd understand something about addiction, but i guess i had forgotten--it was good to be reminded of the distinction).

and now, having achieved clarity, this is the point at which i find myself: knowing that booze is no longer my friend, do i turn away from it while it's still fairly easy, or do i hold on until it becomes necessary because it's still the only thing makes me feel good?

dunno--guess we'll see. we'll talk about this some more.

[and if you want as good a description of alcoholism as i've seen--or if you just wanna read one hell of a blog post, click on the highlighted link above]