last night
on the way back from p.f. chang's, she said, from the backseat, conversationally and totally outta the blue, "so i guess if i live another ten years, i'll get to see you ten more times."
a sharp knife through the heart as i realized she might be right--you shouldn't hit people with shit like that while they're driving, i wanted to say when i got my breath back.
instead, i said something like, "don't be silly, ma; we've got lots of time" and changed the subject.
i couldn't explain to my mother, who loves me like nobody else ever will, why i'm a once-a-year son any more than i can explain to my guy v, who loves me even though he shouldn't, why i'm a once-a-week boyfriend.
or how sometimes in the middle of the night i sit bolt-upright in bed, heart pounding and covered in sweat, still half-dreaming that everybody i give a rat's ass about is gone and it's too late.
* * * * *
tonight
my headlights catch maggie bounding down the street to meet me as i turn into the driveway. i pull my bags out and reach down to pet her; she rises on her hind legs and tucks her head into the palm of my outstretched hand.
as i write these words, she's sprawled across my legs and purring. tomorrow she'll be standoffish as ever, but for now she's happy to have me home.
4 comments:
I learned the hard way that if there are people you want to connect with, things you want to know, regrets you don't want to have later, you need to get together with the previous generation sooner rather than later. I understand that you have your reasons and agenda, just as I had mine; for many complex reasons I needed to be away from highly problematic situations that I couldn't influence and refused to be dragged into.
But I came to realize that I had lost some valuable things that were ultimately of major importance to me, particularly knowledge of how some decisions had been made and information about people who were already gone by the time I realized that their experiences had a lot of bearing on who I was to become.
The situation could be vastly different for you, I just wanted to bring the subject up.
happy new year, babe..
i'm coming back home friday nite.
and you know i can't wait to see you..
Well, she's right you know.
The question is, of course, so what?
Is it something you regret or not?
If you are going out of obligation, then just be honest about it, at least to yourself.
But I don't think so. Your post also does not suggest that it is the case.
Just chalk it up to how difficult all relationships are for you. And be honest about that with those around you so they understand you are not a sociopath or an asshole.
Perhaps you just need to set her down and explain it to her. She forgets, you know, that she is only half the equation, and that the darker "F" in MKF is really half of you as well.
And remember: It could be worse. It can always be worse.
My father does the same thing, but, I see him and my mother at least once a month. My father has been saying, for at least the past 20 years, that he'll be dying soon and I'll be happy when the will is read. Talk about guilt trip.
It's his indirect and safe way of telling me he: loves me, wishes I were around more often, and has provided for me. When he says those things I laugh or ignore him. Then, I tell him I love him. I wish I could do more.
Have a good new year!
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