a common belief in our culture is that people can change for the better; this notion has served as the foundation for countless stories, books, songs, plays and movies that have nourished our collective psyche over the millennia.
me? i believe the idea that people can change is mostly bullshit--and understand, i haven't come to this belief because i'm a cynic (although god knows that's true), but because, having been a steadfast, careful observer of human nature for most of my life, most everything and everybody i've observed in the course of said life has served to reinforce this belief.
for instance, i believe that if you're a go-getter early in life, chances are you'll achieve your goals later in life; on the contrary, if you're lazy early in life, then--unless some major external influence comes into play before it's too late--you'll probably be a loser when you grow up.
and to take it a step further, if you're also emotionally stunted, then chances are no matter how much "success" you achieve later in life you'll always be unhappy, no matter how hard you try to be otherwise.
basically what i'm trying to say here is, i believe that your cake is baked relatively early, and if as an adult you turn out as, say, a chocolate cake, then trying to transform yourself into a carrot cake is probably gonna be an exercise in futility.
nevertheless, and even having said all that, i periodically throughout my life engage in an epic, exhausting struggle to transform myself into the carrot cake i've always wanted to be.
i now find myself in the midst of one of those struggles--and who knows, maybe this one'll be the last before i give up and once and for all and surrender to my dark, solitary nature.
in any event, that's why i'm not posting much (or doing much of anything else) these days--i'm preoccupied with other things.
wish me luck.
8 comments:
Hmmm...First good luck.
I think that you are talking about two distinct things together.
People do change. We all evolve. If nothing else, we get older. But we also, hopefully, do not keep making the same mistakes and actually learn from our experiences and once in a while try new things and like them. That is all part of living.
So, it is a false statement to say that people don't change.
I think what you are asking is whether people change their fundamental character?
That is the harder question. My experience is that most of the time, no.
But sometimes you have someone (like Scrooge) when confronted with themselves fundamentally change in important ways.
Honestly, though, I have seen these fundamental changes for the worse more often than for the better. Sometimes it is the death of a close friend or loved one that turns someone into something much less than he or she was. I have seen that often enough. I remember there was an Atlantic monthly article on the family and friends of persons who were murdered and it was just wrenching to see how difficult it was for so many people and how a person's life was so irrevocably changed by such tragedy.
The average 5'4" guy is never going to be a great basketball player. On the other hand, the average 6'2" guy is never going to be a horse jockey either.
You do have limits imposed upon you. And, at least for me, part of life is just accepting who you are and being OK with that. It doesn't mean you can't change within certain margins, but you do have to understand your own limits or margins.
well, as long as i don't see you less and less....
Good luck, babe!
It's hard to do, Mike, but it can be done--I know because I did it.
I was raised in a racist, sexist, homophobic and oppressively Catholic family. Sex of ANY kind was repressed and only of the "Face the Wall and Think of the Virgin Mary: it's for procreation only" variety. I knew that some things were very wrong, but school and family indoctrination were powerful traps.
I grew up pathologically shy, terrified to meet new people and as introverted as everyone else in the family aqd much more so than some. When I got away to college, I realized I had to reinvent myself from the ground up or I'd never get anywhere in life.
It took years. The "isms" were shed pretty quickly; the hardest of all to kick was the shyness. I eventually forced myself to walk across rooms at events and parties to introduce myself, I took risks that began to pay off, and finally got up the guts to come out, the thing that saved me most of all.
I turned it around and eventually precisely the kind of man who had always intimidated me into total withdrawal--outgoing, vibrant, accomplished, handsome guys (both straight AND gay) became my friends, lovers, fuck buddies, close colleagues, whatever. I willed myself into a normal life and I got there. It can happen and although I've only been reading guttermorality for about six months or a little longer, I get the impression that you have the strength to go for what you want and to get there. At least I hope so and I wish you the very best.
Yeah, then I guess I was lazy early on in life...
as much as it pains me (ha!), i do agree with the Savage One (yeah, it does happen occasionally).
as happens with most of your posts, this one resonates deep inside me. i've always been the 'slacker' when it comes to work. i'm good at whatever it is i do; however, i've always aimed far lower than my abilities because the risk of succeeding isn't high.
it took moving to TX and changing medications (as well as a huge job change for me) to realize my potential. At 38, i feel like i'm starting all over again and i'm okay with that.
my inherent Judiness; however, hasn't changed one iota. i've tried changing political views, seeking out companionship different from the other boys i've dated, and other such seemingly trivial things but none of them are 'me'.
miss you.
Growing up, my father was a very angry man whom was homophobic and distant. He was close to my brother and they both made fun of/were cruel to me. I clinged to my mother and was very, very shy. I'm sure some would argue that this situation made my gay. I can't answer that question. But, I do know that my life has been one of struggle and mostly slow progress. Psychoanalysis helped me, in that, I was a recluse and needed someone to talk to. My psychiatrist said that I could change, be straight, if I wanted to. I refused and disagreed. He wouldn't prescribe me drugs, because, he said longterm I should learn to do change myself.
Well, my father has had numerous operations and we have become real close, closer than he is to my brother and his born-again, home-schooling, "you have to accept Christ as your saviour before this operation, because if you die you are going to hell" family. My father calls my partner his son.
I have changed, too. Mostly, my own doing, but: coming out, getting laid for the first time when I was 22, and taking anti-depressants, has helped me immensely. Drugs can change your life and rewire your brain. This can be horrible (thinking of the crystal meth addicts I've known) and amazingly fantastic (I'm currently on an experimental drug by Pfizer: "PD 0332334," which is like courage in a bottle).
Yes, I am the same person I have always been. I can understand your point. It's all about the paths we choose with the cards we are dealt. But, strange things can happen. Good luck in becoming a "carrot cake."
ok...good luck!
to all of you: thanks for your most thoughtful comments; please don't think they've been disregarded.
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