.
readers of this blog (if there are any left at this point) may have noticed that over the last several months i've tried to move away from messy, train-wrecky posts into more--for lack of a better word--mainstream shit.
well, this week all that went out the window.
sunday night, i tore into a 74-year-old wheelchair-bound stroke victim--nice, huh?--and then tuesday night (or wednesday morning, to all you normal people), i offered myself up as red meat to a guy who chews up the lame and the drunk for idle sport. when i sobered up, i thought about taking those posts down, because i'm embarrassed by them. but fuck it--they're what happened, so i'm leaving 'em up.
i want to apologize to my readers. i understand that we have an implied contract: you guys come here and offer up your time with the expectation that you're gonna get something back that makes that investment of time worthwhile. that hasn't happened much this week, and i'll try to do better.
between the hours of 11:30 p.m. tuesday night and about 8:30 the following morning, i consumed a little over half of a 1.75-liter jug of vodka; this, for the mathematically inclined, works out to about 32 ounces of alcohol (i.e., a quart), or about 21 standard cocktails.
while i have no doubt i'd be laughed off skid row as a rank amateur with a score like that, it concerns me for the following reasons:
1. i wasn't incapacitated by this quantity of liquor; on the contrary, i stayed up another half-hour or so after finishing my last drink because i wasn't finished drunk-commenting. i then went to bed and slept like a baby.
2. six hours later, i was up--no headache, no nausea, no light-sensitivity, no hangover symptoms whatever.
3. a few months ago, i expressed concern here at my ability to go through a third of one of those bottles in a sitting (and a year before that, a quarter)--now i'm past the halfway mark. anybody seeing a trend here?
my body's become a very efficient alcohol-processing machine. it doesn't crave the stuff (yet), but it sure likes it, and on certain nights of the week, it damn well expects it--and it always wants a little more.
there's no imminent crisis (unless you count the trashing of my online reputation, of course)--no unexplained blackouts, my job isn't threatened, i don't get behind the wheel anymore, my health's fine--at this point it's merely a big-ass problem. the irony is, it's a problem that, had you told me even three years ago i'd ever have, i'd have laughed in your face.
and i really don't have the slightest idea what to do about it.
readers of this blog (if there are any left at this point) may have noticed that over the last several months i've tried to move away from messy, train-wrecky posts into more--for lack of a better word--mainstream shit.
well, this week all that went out the window.
sunday night, i tore into a 74-year-old wheelchair-bound stroke victim--nice, huh?--and then tuesday night (or wednesday morning, to all you normal people), i offered myself up as red meat to a guy who chews up the lame and the drunk for idle sport. when i sobered up, i thought about taking those posts down, because i'm embarrassed by them. but fuck it--they're what happened, so i'm leaving 'em up.
i want to apologize to my readers. i understand that we have an implied contract: you guys come here and offer up your time with the expectation that you're gonna get something back that makes that investment of time worthwhile. that hasn't happened much this week, and i'll try to do better.
* * * * *
between the hours of 11:30 p.m. tuesday night and about 8:30 the following morning, i consumed a little over half of a 1.75-liter jug of vodka; this, for the mathematically inclined, works out to about 32 ounces of alcohol (i.e., a quart), or about 21 standard cocktails.
while i have no doubt i'd be laughed off skid row as a rank amateur with a score like that, it concerns me for the following reasons:
1. i wasn't incapacitated by this quantity of liquor; on the contrary, i stayed up another half-hour or so after finishing my last drink because i wasn't finished drunk-commenting. i then went to bed and slept like a baby.
2. six hours later, i was up--no headache, no nausea, no light-sensitivity, no hangover symptoms whatever.
3. a few months ago, i expressed concern here at my ability to go through a third of one of those bottles in a sitting (and a year before that, a quarter)--now i'm past the halfway mark. anybody seeing a trend here?
my body's become a very efficient alcohol-processing machine. it doesn't crave the stuff (yet), but it sure likes it, and on certain nights of the week, it damn well expects it--and it always wants a little more.
there's no imminent crisis (unless you count the trashing of my online reputation, of course)--no unexplained blackouts, my job isn't threatened, i don't get behind the wheel anymore, my health's fine--at this point it's merely a big-ass problem. the irony is, it's a problem that, had you told me even three years ago i'd ever have, i'd have laughed in your face.
and i really don't have the slightest idea what to do about it.
11 comments:
Rehab is for quitters. I had a very good friend who didn't come near to your consumption, however, when he quit drinking (AA I think) he ditched me, wtih a note, on my doorstep, right before a dinner party. He was henceforth known as DitchmewithaletterBill. Anyway, there are some people that sobriety doesn't improve. Take up a hobby, most of my drinking comes from boredom. Figure out what you're getting from the sauce on the deepest level, and find something else that scratches that particular itch, at least for a while. I won't date anyone in recovery, I can't stand that awkwardness when the waiter says "cocktails?" I want my cocktails and will not give them up. So, if you want to stay on this side of the AA line, cool it.
I am one of the few who will sit here and tell you, as long as you can handle it, don't worry. So you can drink a bit more and it not effect you. I am the same way. I am sorry, I like to come home after a long day at work and hitting the gym to have a cold beer with dinner, then a few vodka frescas throughout the night while blogging or watching tv... and if i don't have to work the next day, I just might have wine (wine gives me a hangover if i can't sleep in)... so enjoy your drinks... enjoy drunken posts... to me those are the most fun and draw the best reactions from readers (both good and bad) I think drunk blogging makes people think and that is a good thing! So do not regret your drunken posts. Do not regret your drinking (just make sure it does not effect your work or your friends)
I have huge issues with heavy drinking because my mother's side of the family--her two sisters, her mother and all of her maternal uncles--were genuine past-the-point-of-control alcoholics and several of them died of it. There was a tremendous amount of pain and upheaval in the family. So I tend to worry about anyone I know or like who begins to drink heavily.
You seem like a strong person and if you feel you can trust yourself to begin the process of stopping when you see yourself as having gone over the line, great. But if you're already regretting drunk blogging and seeing a need to apologize for having written that way, it might be an indication. I'd hate to see it be a matter of today a computer, tomorrow a car.
blindman: i appreciate your perpsective on aa and its denizens, because i feel exactly the same way. while i know it's helped many people get their lives back, as far as i'm concerned it's just another cult, and one to which i am not temperamentally suited.
and yeah, i do need to find something that scratches that itch--of course, i've been looking for that most of my life.
kelly: the difference between us is that you're basically a happy, well-adjusted guy, and, reading your blog, i can see where alcohol for you is an adjunct to what is already a pretty good life. i'm using it in a totally different way, and it's turning on me, i think.
having said that, i wish i lived next door to you guys--and yeah, i know: i think i have a drinking problem now... ;)
will: yeah, that's my feeling as well these days. there's no way that that amount of alcohol can be sustained over any period of time without doing lots of damage, both psychically and physically--and i'm already seeing the first part. it's gonna have to be addressed, one way or another (whatever that means--i still don't know).
On behalf of your liver, I plea you to lay off the sauce.
My grandfather (he was a step-grandfather) was an old-type Irish guy who would sit at his kitchen table and drink all day.
He would get pretty plastered by about 4 in the afternoon. It's not that he was a mean drunk or ever really hurt anybody.
But I just saw what it did to his body. He just destroyed his liver and died before hitting 60.
He would go through a 1.75 liter every week or so. IMHO, you are drinking ginormous amounts.
And you don't seem happy with it. But, the problem is that you do not see anything else in your life that is worth doing or living for in replacement.
That's tough...I do understand that place.
For me, it basically took me eight straight years of weekly therapy (I went for therapy a total of over 10 years really) to begin to get my head around it and find my peace. And even then, it wasn't the therapy that pushed me over the top, but that's a long story.
You're in a deep hole and it is not an easy crawl out. Only enormous personal courage, energy, and commitment is going to get you in a better place.
Is it worth it?
Absolutely.
But until you believe that, cheers.
I don't really know what to say.
I do agree that AA isn't necessarily the answer, and for myriad reasons.
I'm not there, living with you, watching you, or really *knowing* how bad your problem is, but it's obviously bad enough that you're aware of it and willing to do something about it.
That speaks volumes.
Please act, don't just talk, as I am too damned selfish and want you around for the long haul.
MKF--
You recognize that the booze isn't good and that it doesn't bring out the best in you. You also know that it wrecks havoc on your health, even though you feel fine in the mornings after ungodly amounts of vodka.
You have the choice of being the author of your own tragedy or doing something better. I'll keep you in my prayers.
noblesavage: you know me far better than most.
judi and hubbard: thanks, guys--both for your good wishes and for coming around here. i do appreciate both, you know.
I'd only ask you if you have a tendency the following day to regret your actions when drunk. To me that spells trouble.
And for just a bit of context please understand that I'm not an AA cultist nor am I a "just say noer".
In fact, for several years I was injecting an 8 ball of crystal meth every couple of days and FUCKING LOVING IT! And I still luvz me a cocktail or seven or eight and if someone handed me a syringe full of crank I'd slip that bad boy into a vein quicker than you can blink.
But see Mike, that's the problem; our addictions are really, really fun!
And when we're all up in the middle of our addictions, tweaking out of our minds or shitfaced and drunken commenting on other people's blogs, we're having a good time and think we're the smartest, sexiest people in the world. But then the next morning rolls around and we start to regret our behavior from the previous day, realising that as smart and as sexy as we may be we aren't as smart OR as sexy as we thought we were when we were fucked up. AND we've pissed off a bunch of people to boot.
That kind of thing should be a clarion call to anyone with a lick of sense to change one's behavior it seems to me.
I made a snarky comment in my post about you (OK-- the whole post was snarky) but in either the post or one of my comments I said that you needed to get some help. It's not my place to say whether you need help or not -- frankly you seem like the type of person who could probably simply stop drinking for a while and that would work for you.
But I'd posit the theory Mike, that this post that you wrote here speaks volumes about whether or not you think you've got a problem that needs dealing with and I'd urge you to take the steps necessary to do just that and deal with it in whatever way works best for you.
Oh, and I also said in one of my comments that I didn't read your blog because I didn't think you were a very good writer. That was bullshit prompted by the fact that I was pissed at you. I think you're an excellent writer Mike -- so why fuck that talent up by becoming a drunk?
scott: you didn't have to come back here and do this; in fact, it's the last goddam thing i expected. the fact that you did it anyway--especially in light of my last couple comments in your direction--only confirms what i'd already figured out about you awhile back.
[and in addition to my readers, i'd have apologized to you, too--except i figure if you have to apologize to somebody for the same dumbass thing more than once, they're gonna figure you're full of shit anyway so why blow even more smoke up their ass.]
thank you for this comment--means more than you know.
Drink! Drink, my pretty, drink! And ta hell with the nay sayers!
Post a Comment