the master cleanser made (more or less) easy

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[disclaimers:

1. this is a by-request post, so if you're (a) not looking for health and beauty tips, or (b) not looking for health and beauty tips from a falling-down drunk, then skip this one and come back tomorrow or the next day or the day after that; i promise we'll be back to our regularly-scheduled crap by then.

2. if you have medical issues and follow this advice without talking to your doctor first and then on the third day drop dead of hypoglycemic shock or some such shit, please do me the courtesy beforehand of clearing your browser history so that your grief-stricken relatives (and their attorneys) will be unable to figure out where you came up with this hare-brained idea in the first place.]



for those of you who have read this far and are unfamiliar with the master cleanser, it is essentially a lemonade fast that was originated back in the late 1940's by a guy named stanley burroughs; its stated purpose was to free up all the energy the body normally needs for the digestion of food for a short time in order to cleanse various organs and the digestive tract, flush out built-up toxins, eliminate food cravings, regulate weight and generally rejuvenate the system.

that's about all the background i'm gonna go into here--fasts of various kinds have been undertaken by mankind for thousands of years, and millions of words have been written on this particular fast (you can find it all over the web--just google "master cleanser" or "master cleanse"); suffice it to say that, while it's been around forever and legions of people swear by its benefits, it's most recently gained notoriety as a way for celebrities like jared leto and beyonce to drop weight fast. as a result, it's become a bit of a fad, and its basic elements have been lost in translation.

for this reason, most ordinary people who try it not only fail, but fail miserably.

fuck that--actually, there are four reasons most people who do this fast the conventional way fail: (1) it's a pain in the ass; (2) they take shortcuts and end up getting sick; (3) their motivation fails 'em; and/or (4) people today are goddam pussies.

and the first time i did it (long before jared leto and beyonce), i almost failed at it as well. then i threw out most everything i'd heard and read about the master cleanse, modified the original instructions to make it workable in the real world and went on to use it successfully many times--once for 32 days straight.

how does my method differ from the original, you ask? well, let's count the ways:

1. the book says you must mix each serving as needed.

this is total bullshit--who the fuck has time to stop what they're doing six times a goddam day, squeeze lemons and measure various ingredients into a little glass? the answer: nobody but oprah (and that's only because she has five people to do it for her). which is why most people end up putting it off until they're so hungry they finally end up saying fuck it and go get a big mac.

the only way to do this fast (unless you're oprah) is to mix up a day's worth first thing in the morning, throw it in a big thermos or a couple jugs, carry it around with you and sip it all day.

the recipe:

two quarts (distilled or reverse-osmosis-purified) water
3/4 cup fresh-squeezed lemon juice
3/4 cup grade b maple syrup
as much cayenne pepper as you can stand

four things: (a) if you wanna do this right, buy an electric citrus juicer--they're cheap; (b) get your maple syrup (grade b only) at whole foods, but for god's sake don't buy your lemons there--get those in bulk at your regular market; (c) if you find yourself getting hungry during the day, increase the lemon juice and maple syrup to 1 cup each; and (d) make sure to increase your cayenne pepper as your tolerance allows--if you're gonna do this, don't be a goddam pussy.

2. the book says you must drink the lemonade warm.

yeah, gag me. drink it on the rocks, folks--trust me, it's much more palatable that way (and it's pretty good with vodka too, but that variation is only for my graduate students, sorry).

3. the book says you must do a salt-water flush each morning of the fast.

great idea, stanley--but again, only if you're oprah and have five people to poop for you every day.

this is the second-biggest reason people quit this fast--they don't take the time and trouble the book tells 'em is necessary to eliminate every day, they start feeling sick, and they quit.

here's the deal: anytime you stop eating, you stop pooping--it's elementary. problem is, if you're fasting, it's essential that you eliminate daily; otherwise all the toxins your body is attempting to expel will simply sit there in the digestive tract and be re-absorbed, thus making you sick (as one who's been there, trust me on this one).

but burroughs' solution--the saltwater flush--takes lots of time every morning, and most people will not take the time to do it. and then they'll get sick. and thus, they'll fail.

my solution? get you some psyllium husk at whole foods and take it three times a day with water. this stuff swells up when it gets wet, provides bulk and sweeps through your intestines and out the back door, along with all the toxins. psyllium can provide explosive results if you take too much, so start with half a tablespoon per dose and work your way up (turns out i needed three full tablespoons daily, but you may need even more) until you achieve at least one good poop per day.

[if you go this route, (a) it is essential that, in addition to the lemonade, you drink tons of water throughout the day; and (b) you should still do the saltwater flush on your days off.]

4. the book doesn't tell you what to do when, about halfway through day two, you flip on the tv only to be assaulted by a goddam pizza hut commercial.

or when your family settles down to a hearty dinner without you, or when that fat-ass cunt in the next cubicle tears into her mid-morning bag of doritos, or--well, you get the picture.

when this happens--if you've done what i've told you, anyway--physical hunger won't be the problem, because the lemonade will have taken care of that. what you will discover is how psychologically addicted you are to even the mere idea of food.

and this is the third reason most people fail at this fast.

and all i can tell you is, when this happens (and it will--over and over again), dig deep inside and remind yourself why you embarked upon this course in the first place--in other words, do counter-brainwashing, and do it often.

and if this fails (and only if this fails, because what follows is nothing but a goddam crutch), then there's always

5. the secret weapon the book didn't tell you about.

and i can't fault stanley for not telling you about this--hell, this is something i just discovered myself (and it sure as hell wasn't around when i first did this fast):

get you some hoodia gordonii.

and yeah, this shit works--but not just any hoodia, because most of what's out there is snake-oil crap which contains very little, if any, of the actual ingredient. for the real thing, go to desertburn.com and order either their 750 mg caps or (a much better value) their 1000 mg tabs.

and yeah, it's expensive. but trust me--you take 3000-4500 mgs of this shit every day, (a) you won't even think about food most of the time; and (b) you'll more than make up for the cost every month in junk-food savings alone.

had i hoodia back then, the master cleanse would've been much more of a cakewalk than it actually was.

so anyway, there you have it--the guttermorality way to master-cleansing nirvana. hope it helps (and if it does, please lemme know, ok?).