the guttermorality way to health & beauty

[text]
people are constantly asking me, "mkf, how do you manage to keep your eyes so bright and clear and your skin so soft and supple while maintaining that vibrant glow of youth?"

[ok, that's a lie--the actual question would probably be something more like, "mkf, how do you manage to polish off most of a fifth of vodka, stagger off to bed and make it in to work six hours later with virtually no outward sign of a hangover?"

tomayto, tomahto--either way, the answer's the same.]

several years ago i did a cleanse (yes, virginia, i sometimes engage in non-self-destructive pasttimes) which, among its many unnatural, agonizing and complicated rituals, featured one little routine that was almost a deal-breaker from the get-go, seeing as how it involved my getting up-close and personal with something i fear and loathe above almost all things: namely, cold water.

before we go forward, lemme talk a minute about my cold-water phobia: i spent eleven years in close proximity to one of the greatest natural-spring pools in the world--an oasis which draws people from miles around--and never even so much as put a toe in it. i didn't care how hot it gets in austin in the summertime and how orgasmic peoples' descriptions of barton springs pool tended to be, i'd sweat and swelter all goddam day before i'd jump into 68-degree water (and often did).

and even though i've lived in los angeles for years and have gone to the beach many times, i've never gone anywhere near the actual ocean (of course, that may have as much to do with my aversion to raw sewage as it does my aversion to cold water, but even if santa monica bay was clean as a whistle, it'd be a cold day in hell before you'd ever find my lily-white, goose-pimply ass in there freezing to death).

because, see, i've always been one of those pussies who, rather than taking the plunge and getting it over with, would ease himself slowly, torturously and with great drama into a swimming pool inch by inch, moaning and bitching about how cold it is the whole way--you know, one of those old ladies everybody jeers at and calls names.

and if the hot water went out at home? i'd happily go out into the world looking and smelling like a cheap, greasy whore at the tail-end of three-day fuckfest before i'd even think of allowing cold water to touch my body.

so, knowing all this, imagine my dismay when i got home from the post office with my brand-new cleanse, and--impatient to start my new, healthy lifestyle--ripped into the package, only to realize that a cornerstone of this goddam thing i've opened and now can't return is something called the "hot-&-cold shower." hot-&-cold shower, my ass--my howl of outrage was no doubt heard from one end of my little canyon to the other.

but you know what? they said it was important, they went to great lengths to explain why, and i wasn't about to blow three hundred bucks--so i nutted up and did it. every goddam day for a month.

and you know what else? long after every other element of that dumbass cleanse has been forgotten, the hot-&-cold shower not only remains a part of my daily regimen, it's the single quickest, most restorative thing i know of to reliably take one from feeling like shit to feeling like a million bucks in no time--if you're willing to pay the price.

here's the drill:

1. start with either hot or cold water (i'll let you guess which i start with); if hot, get it as hot as you can stand it--i mean, so hot that you can't stay in one spot for more than a second or two without burning yourself. endure this for 30-45 seconds, while allowing the water to hit every part of your body.
2. then, turn the knob (quickly and with resolve) to the other extreme, and endure that for 30-45 seconds, following the same procedure.
3. repeat the cycle 5-7 times, and you're done--easy as pie, right?

and since the instructions for the hot-&-cold shower (because you can find this all over the internet if you look for it) never tell you how you're gonna feel as the shower progresses, allow me to do so:

the first time that cold water hits you, i won't lie--it's a shock, and the longest 30 seconds you'll ever live. the second time, however, isn't quite so bad--and by the third time, it's starting to feel pretty damn good.

by the time you've gone through five full cycles, trust me: you'll feel like a new person--you will get outta that shower radiating heat, energy and power, and you won't feel the least bit cold.

why is this, you ask? it's simple: when the hot water hits your skin, your arteries, veins and capillaries expand; and when the cold water hits, they contract--with repetition, this sets up a bellows effect within your body that pumps blood with great energy into places you didn't even know you had. bottom line, it's probably the best thing you could possibly do for the health of your circulatory system*.

and the short-term results are kind of amazing, too--for me, it's a hangover cure and general restorative; for my friend fritz the serious runner, it's eliminated the shin-splints that have plagued him since his teens--he calls it his secret weapon and has told none of his fellow runners about it. for my other friends and family--well, i wish i could tell you how it's changed their lives, but i can't.

because, no matter how much i hype it, i can't get anybody else to step far enough outta their narrow little comfort zones to try it even once.

pussies.

_________________
*unless, of course, for you this turns out not to be the case and you drop dead in the shower (and your relatives then sue me). please, check with your doctor before starting this or any other health regimen.