[this, btw, is a completely spontaneous, unplanned post, brought on by a conversation i just had, and the lubrication of inhibitions that a little alcohol in conjunction with some music from the time when i was last happy blessedly brings (not that i'm especially drunk this evening, nor do i intend to become so, but i'm just sayin).]
i am by any objective measure smarter than most people, and--even with the mental deterioration i'm increasingly certain has set in within the last few years--odds are i'm smarter than you.
and while i have since i was first tested in adolescence taken a certain unearned pride in the foregoing, problem is--well, there are several problems, actually: (1) i didn't come from an environment that valued excellence of any sort; (2) i never had an involved, adult male role model (and god knows we all know how fucking important that is); (3) i was one of those kids who could (and often did) skip two or three school-days outta every five and still make great grades, so i learned to coast early; and (4) i'm not sufficiently strong-willed to be a self-starter--to accomplish anything of substance, i require the motivation of someone who vibrates at a higher frequency than do i, and such people haven't exactly thrown themselves at me in the course of my life.
the result? i'm a consummate path-of-least-resistance guy--when the intellectual going gets tough, i tend to walk. soon as something becomes hard, i say fuck it and go do something simple.
and even though in spite of myself i've achieved some success, i truly wish things hadn't come so easy to me early in life, or that i'd had somebody to push me--i'd take either one.
but, that not being the case, i'm now writing--and not only writing, but publishing said writing in a publicly-accessible forum.
and understand: it's not that (a) i think i'm a good writer, because god knows i'm not (and trust me, i know what good writing--even good blog-writing--is); or (b) i'm trying to find an audience for my penetrating insights, because i have no illusions or desire that'll ever happen, nor am i even bothering to go about the conventional-blogosphere ways of seeking same.
i don't care about any of that shit. i'm doing this, quite simply, because i'm determined to make this--writing, i mean--the first intellectually-challenging thing from which i've never turned and walked away once the novelty wore off and it became hard.
sober update: since i wasn't particularly drunk when this was written, it only gets, like, a 6 on the maudlin scale--i'll try to do better next time.
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6 comments:
A comment.
First, I am not sure if you want it here for all four other readers to see. But here goes.
I want to admit that I have always admired how smart you are.
And, for a long time, I have always taken enormous satisfaction in how smart I am. It was something I could do as I looked across a crowded bar and think there may be a lot of folks with more money, but few as smart (well, perhaps I was self-selecting not the smartest pool of folks on a Saturday night, but that is another story).
In any case, as I have worked and worked these past fews years, I have come to regard intelligence as a blessing, but worth considerably less than it did.
Getting the job done -- accomplishment -- is something I have come to value just about more than anything.
I know a lot of lazy smart people sitting in coffee shops and telling each other the way things ought to be. In fact, if I were to think of a fair definition of graduate school, that may be it.
I also know my share of pretty stupid guys (for some reason, it is always the guys) who work really hard and just march on. I admire them 'cause despite their limitations, they still work hard and slog along and get stuff done. Sometimes it is pretty lame. But once in a while, it is a thing worth noting.
So, then, you have the top of the pyramid -- those with both the means and determination. If I may be so bold, these are the folks who are truly capable of changing the world. Perhaps it is one small part of it, but changing the world nonetheless.
So, to you I say, you have the gift, but may never really realize the true potential of it all. Kind of like Ralph Sampson in the NBA. Or, Herschel Walker in the NFL. Or a dozen other sports examples.
Truth is, I really have put a strong admiration for hard work. It is really the only fair way of taking the measure of a man.
And, while I am on the subject, it has been my experience that guys in general are just a whole lot lazier than women generally.
Women put in a full day of work and then come home and take care of the kids, get dinner, and clean the house while guys generally zone out in front of the TV.
Anyhow, a long comment, but one I had to say.
rob: of course you're right. there's nothing more sad--or,unfortunately, more common--than a smart loser. sustained, disciplined effort will trump mere brains every time.
Didn't read as particularly maudlin - you must really drink more if you're gonna go there :D
I'm definitely in the smart loser category. (While some might argue with "smart" based on my blogging, but I beg to differ in real life and I don't mind saying it)
Though I don't think "loser" is really accurate. "Fallen short of one's potential" is probably more accurate.
I actually think that's a huge chunk of the world: people with ideas that are, in fact, extremely good and sometimes quite unique, but who rarely take the initiative or feel that what they think can't possibly be new or meaningful.
So it all stays inside them. And dies with them.
I think about that a lot, actually.
nah, i don't see you as a loser, atari--sorry. you're obviously capable of focused, disciplined, sustained, high-level effort, as, for instance, your ph.d would attest. and over the last few years i've watched you move outta your comfort zone in some fairly major ways, whereas a "loser" pretty much sits still where they are.
sure, you've got a ways to go, but the point is, you're no longer static as you were for so many years--you're moving.
it's a neat trick, movement--i need to re-learn it myself.
Wow . Should I even bother commenting on this Pity Party Circle jerk ? Should I start complimenting all of you that somehow your inadequacies in life are justified because of your sudden surge into internet un-fandom ? Good grief , let me call the WAAAAAMbulance . Let's suck it up and just write . (I know this comment will get censo-- I mean deleted AGAIN) .
And why would this condemnation of this cry for help get deleted ? Because Obama can't be called black . Because Hillary can't be called a woman . Because Romney can't be pegged as a Mormon . Because you can't be pegged as having written 8 paragraphs of pitybait .
nah, i won't delete this one, bb. but cut me some slack--it's my goddam blog and i haven't whined in almost a week.
however, allow me to remind you of one thing: the words you used for obama--the ones that got you shitcanned--were much more, um, special than "black."
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