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what's with all the sex around here lately in a blog that used to be all about the booze, you ask?
it's where my mind is right now--for the past several months, i've been rooting around in my psyche tryin to dig up little nuggets of insight into what moves me in that particular arena and why, the fruits of which laborious cogitation can be recently seen on these here pages.
the booze, i'm handling. smoking has really helped in that regard (yeah, i know), but even before i started that shit again, i had, through a systematic reduction in dosage, dropped my alcohol intake to a point where i'm really not worried about it right now.
when i came out at 34, i couldn't then have imagined the sheer depth and range of the sexual experiences i had waiting for me in this fine city of the angels. at a time in life when most gay men start winding down from their hedonistic youth, i set out to fulfill every sexual fantasy i had ever entertained--check off every last box, goddammit--and in that quest, i can say i've pretty much succeeded. for an hour, anyway.
but, like the old joke, i can't really say i've had 21 years of experience in gay life--it's more like one year of experience 21 times. and now i'm 55 years old and i've had a helluva run, but if i don't move on up the gay evolutionary ladder on my own pretty soon, nature is sure as hell gonna do it for me.
problem is, your faithful blogger is a novelty junky--if i had a nickel for every time i've turned down a hot, willing guy i'd seen a few times for whatever was waiting behind door no. 3, i'd be typing this in a really expensive whorehouse in rio right now.
and the thought of an actual relationship? at even the first hint of intimacy, and no matter how great the sex and how perfect for me the guy might be, my schizoid ass freezes up tighter than hillary's twat in a pair of brass panties in january (v could tell you a little about this--and yet he still sticks around, though god knows why).
which brings us to the point of this post: with the booze thing pushed to the back burner, i decided late last year it was time to finally tackle the big problem--i.e., my existential aloneness--and what better way to do this than on the couch of a sex therapist?
but finding one i could respect and allow to challenge me was a problem, and a big one. see, in my experience--and i've had more than a little--most therapists are dimwitted, conventional hacks, and when sitting across from one i tend to find myself thinking three moves ahead as they dully process whatever bullshit i choose to feed 'em on that particular day, because god knows their little pinheads would explode if i actually told 'em some of the truth i've laid out here.
and then something interesting and most unexpected happened--i thought i'd maybe found him.
and what a disappointment he turned out to be.
i'll finish this tomorrow--sun's coming up and i'm tired
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4 comments:
6:17 a.m. and you quit? You are getting older.
I have always kinda, truth be told, looked down upon you based upon your tricking habits. It followed a predictable pattern: Lots of mediocre tricks followed by about 20 percent that were good to great. And then you would make a return engagement on that 20 percent once, but rarely more than that.
I think your current post minimizes just how much mediocre sex you have had. At least, that was my impression as an outsider.
But, the real thing is that even when it is hot and great, it is still with a stranger. While I have had some very intimate and positive moments with strangers myself, I much prefer actually knowing the person I am with. At least for me, there really is no comparison.
So the question is why? Why are you so compelled to run away from any lasting intimacy, preferring the safe intimacy of strangers who cannot get to know you well enough in a few hours to be threatening?
I mean, you have had 20 years of tricking, so I'm guessing roughly that it's over 1000 or so guys. That's a lot. But of all those men, can you remember 10 that really make you smile to this day? Or even 3?
If pressed, I can remember a few boyfriends that still make me smile (although perhaps not as much then). Maybe it was just the innocence of youth, but I have certainly bared myself to several guys -- usually deeper as we got to know each other better. It was always risky, and sometimes disappointing, but never without enormous rewards. While it did not "work out," I always felt I got out as much as I gave.
Oh, and you leave us hanging. Your readers, Bill and myself, are waiting.
I might mention the part the hunt for new experience rather than repeating successful older ones has played in my life but you called me out for referring everything to my own life, so I'll pass.
That said, I don't think the novelty thing is particularly uncommon among gay men (or men in general for that matter). With the right long term partner it can be combined successfully with a serious relationship. The ball, as you obviously realize, is in your court.
captain obvious: what--you've looked down upon me all these years for my sluttiness? really?
will: you took me wrong--all i meant was, when i draw a conclusion based on a wide sample and you refute me using a narrow one, i'll call you (or anybody else) on it every time.
as for your contrasting what you read here to your own experience, i'm always interested in what you have to say.
That's Mister Obvious to you.
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