consider, if you will, the following draft memorandum:
To: [insert name of office manager here]
cc: [insert name of human resources manager here]; [insert name of facilities manager here]
Subject: Was This Really Necessary?
So Friday night at dinnertime i walk into the kitchen, open the refrigerator and reach for my salad, only to find it's no longer there.
I frantically search high and low--and ultimately find it.
In the trash.
And yeah yeah, I know: Friday's refrigerator-cleaning day. And yeah, I also know: bad me, i failed to label and date my salad before i put it in the fridge.
But, seriously, I ask you--even considering the trashy surroundings, does this look like a salad that shoulda been thrown out to you?
I could kinda understand my salad being tossed had it been in an unlabeled, anonymous bag, but it wasn't--it was in a sparkling-clean, crystal-clear Pyrex bowl very much [i.e., exactly] like this one:
Fresh cabbage, cucumber, celery, radishes, tomatoes, red onion, avocado--a gorgeous, five-hour-old salad, its pristine freshness clearly visible through the glass--cavalierly thrown in the trash for no good reason I can see.
Back when we had three floors and twice the personnel i could sorta understand the rigid, unthinking inflexibility that resulted in innocent folks' food getting thrown out, but that is no longer the case--today, i see this kinda crap as nothing more than gratuitously punitive.
I spent half an hour and god only knows how many dollars' worth of organic produce lovingly assembling that salad before I came to work--only to end up being forced to spend an additional $7 for a crappy sandwich and chips at goddam Famima just so i could have something to eat that night.
And yeah, i'm pissed--somebody splain me, why did this happen?
I'm an easygoing guy and don't bitch often--in fact, in all my years of employment at _____________ I don't recall having ever bitched about anything before. But i'm bitching now.
Seriously--if we must forsake common sense and judgment for this zero-tolerance, Nazi rigidity for no good goddam reason other than "it's just our policy," then could you at least leave our food out on the counter for us to try to save before you mercilessly throw it in the trash at the end of the day--is that too much to ask?
___________________________________
the stakes: sending the above email would (a) scratch a serious itch i've had for a long time; (b) instantly elevate me to hero status among the rank and file; and (c) seriously embarrass, and thus earn me the undying enmity of, the anal-retentive nazi asshole [insert name of facilities manager here] whom i damn well know was the one who threw out my goddam salad--which could, and probably would, come back to bite me in the ass in any number of ways in the future.
is it worth it? i almost think so, but then i'm drunk and thus possessed of questionable judgment--what do you think?
11 comments:
Sleep on it. Hindsight, and all that.
Yes, but it's a bit verbose.
KISS, baby, KISS.
and why on earth aren't you on Twitter?
Well, guttermorality, what's your point in doing so?
Especially as written, it is mean. It is written in a deliberately provoking style. The use of the word Nazi in any office memo just does not go over well. Trust me when I tell you that as written, this memo would get you fired in many of the offices I know about.
I would suggest this is just an expression of many of the petty frustrations and difficulties you have built up over the years. It is, if you will forgive the analogy, "The Coward of the County" type of thing -- with a hat tip to Kenny Rogers.
The point is that you "memo" is not meant to avoid this sort of thing from happening in the future. It is meant to express your anger and frustration. You can do that in other way -- hopefully you have done that by merely posting the thing here.
If your goal is to prevent your delicious organic vegetables from being thrown out again so you are not reduced to awful famina or trimana, then I suggest you kindly suggest to the person who throws everything out on Friday that you 'goofed' by not putting your date on something in the fridge, but if that person could look out for you in the future if you should unfortunately make that mistake again, you would surely appreciate it.
You appear to have successfully played the office politics and all to have been able to keep your job during a very bitter recession that has emptied half the offices and most of the cubicles and secretary areas around you.
That you would give all of that up for one unprofessional and insulting memo is, well, rather self-indulgent.
You know better and noblesavage, as is usually the case, is here to tell you that.
As the person who had the lovely job of dealing with, and disposing of half eaten, week old science experiments, suggest to your Nazi that a shotgun email blast be made prior to the refrigerator cleansing, with a deadline.
I had the luxury of an public address system, but the perks! I still have a lovely collection of tupperware.
ross: always good advice--if only i followed it more often.
judi: yeah, i figured you'd tell me to go for it. and...twitter? what is this twitter of which you speak?
noblesavage: you think this one was mean, you shoulda seen the first draft. and of course i won't send it--i didn't get to the sweet spot i presently occupy in this organization by being stupid--but publishing it here was almost as satisfying.
blindman: unlike you, this officious little prick actually enjoys punishing people who don't follow the rules, and i know he took great joy in not seeing a name on that salad--tossing it probably made his day. oh well, at least he ran the bowl through the dishwasher for me.
Mike: I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
And yes, Twitter. I'd like to see you fit your thoughts into 140 max. characters.
A good exercise in letting some steam out , but I would guard your job closely right now . Plus there are more interesting ways of getting around this . Let's review some reasons why you should not send this along:
Law 19
Know Who You’re Dealing with – Do Not Offend the Wrong Person
These fascists will probably see you creaming them as not only an embarrassment but an attack on their very fascisthood .
Though if you do wish to have this email sent out ... Law 26 can help you:
Law 26
Keep Your Hands Clean
You must seem a paragon of civility and efficiency : Your hands are never soiled by mistakes and nasty deeds . Maintain such a spotless appearance by using others as scapegoats and cat’s-paws to disguise your involvement .
bb: ah, my little machiavelli--of course i shoulda consulted you first.
oh, and judi: yeah, since this blog has so totally succeeded in capturing countless hearts and minds, the mkf franchise should unquestionably expand into the new frontier of twitter.
or not.
Absolutely no offense to judi , but I honestly could never get into twitter . When I saw the premise of it I only thought one thing: Welcome to the ADD generation .
Fragmentation has become a mode of society and lives in general . Post-modernism at its best .
no offense taken, BB. it took me a loooong time to get into Twitter.
My thought bubbles tend to be random and fragmented, thus making twitter a near perfect world for me.
Post a Comment