the subject of how to find a decent boyfriend seems to come up a lot in my gay life; for whatever reason, guys (especially younger ones) see me as some sort of expert in this regard, even though (a) my own relationship history is spotty at best; and (b) most of the boys who've ever hit me with this shit haven't known me for much longer than the hour it took for us to get back to their place and rip our clothes off.
whatever--if i've heard it once, i've heard it a thousand goddam times. either it's
i'm so over one-night-stands. i'd give anything to be able to find one guy who actually wants to date--but no, all anybody in this city seems to want is sex for a night.or else,
all my boyfriends have been bastards--i'd give anything to find a guy who'd just love me for me.
and back when i was new and actually believed people were serious when they said shit like this, i gave the subject some real time and thought.
i looked around at the vast wasteland of gay "relationships" i saw all about me,
it was simple, it was good, and to this day i have no doubt it works.
problem is, nobody for whom i've ever laid it out--not one--has ever been able to pull it off.
the conversation usually would go something like this. i'd ask:
you really serious about finding a workable boyfriend?
god, yes--you have no idea.
i can give you a foolproof way to focus your search, weed out the flakes, find that one guy in a thousand. and it'll work, guaranteed.
omigod, tell me.
i'll tell you, but you won't do it.
yes i will. i'll do anything--just tell me!
ok, here's what you do: next time you meet a guy you think might be a keeper, ask him out, but keep it simple--coffee or something--and resolve to yourself, no matter how hot he is, that you're not gonna sleep with him for at least six dates.
six dates?! you want me to tell him that?
no, i said tell yourself that. him? tell him you like to take your time, get to know somebody before things get physical.
but won't that scare him away?
most likely, yeah--if he's like 80% of the guys out there, he'll run like hell when he finds out he's not getting laid after coffee, and you'll never see him again.
yeah, because men are such pigs.
not always--the guy might not be ready for a relationship, or he might be in a relationship right now, or he might be interested in a relationship, but not with you. regardless of their reasons, there's one thing they all have in common: the 80% who bail at this point see you as nothing more than a one-nighter.
god, i don't know if my ego can take that rejection.
that's not rejection, babe, that's information--you've just saved yourself a lot of time. trust me, if you think you can be "rejected" by someone who doesn't even know you, you don't have the stomach for what comes next.
what do you mean?
well, let's say you've successfully narrowed the field, found one of the 20% who might actually have some interest in getting to know you for real. your second date with him should be something more substantial--dinner in a quiet restaurant maybe. coffee was the audition; this is the callback.
so this is when we start to get to know each other and the magic starts to happen, huh?
chances are, no. 80% of the time, this is the beginning of that gradual getting-acquainted process during which one or both of you realizes it's not gonna work--or when the guy who thought you were kidding when you said during your coffee-date you wouldn't sleep with him 'til you got to know him realizes you were serious, and bails like the others.
god, this sounds hard.
of course it's hard--if it was easy, you'd have met your soulmate while on your knees at the zone last weekend. this is grownup stuff, babe--no guts, no glory.
ok, fine--what comes next?
what comes next is actually making it through date three with some guy without either one or both of you bailing, or without sleeping with him and losing your objectivity. and lemme tell you now--you could go on literally dozens of dates in this town without getting to this point.
[gulp]
but if you make it to, say, date four or five with a guy using this strategy--and remember, the chances are overwhelming with any given guy that you won't--you're into semi-serious territory. now we're talking about the pain of rejection, because you're no longer just bodies to each other, you're people. for a lot of guys, the only thing harder than being rejected at this stage is having to do the rejecting themselves--it makes a first-date rejection seem like child's play.
and if we get to this point?
well, if you've made it this far without becoming girlfriends, there should be this really delicious, well-earned sexual tension between the two of you, enhanced by the fact that you've actually taken the trouble to find out what his values and life goals are before you know what his ass tastes like. this is rare and sweet--draw it out as long as you can.
so hold out for the full six dates?
look, six is just a number--this process i've been describing is about having the guts to weed out the unsuitables before you offer up your heart and your dick for the taking. if you've done that right, it really doesn't matter whether you get naked on date three, five, six or ten.
so after all that work i'll finally have a boyfriend, right?
no, all that means is you're now ready to find out if you're sexually compatible.
if i haven't lost 'em before now, this usually does it.
4 comments:
Oh guttermorality, a long post with the emphasis upon your moralism...
The problem is not one night stands or quickie sex, it is trying to turn one night stands and a quick trick into something else...or doing that when you really want to be loved.
Love and sex are not the same. Sex with someone -- no strings attached -- can be fun and delicious.
But it is not love and it is not the same thing as being loved.
So if you are looking for someone to love and be loved by, you need to look at the qualities that would make a suitable good partner in that regard.
Alas, the problem is that these qualities (honesty, integrity, kindness, and a certain humility) are not the same qualities you would look for if you wanted hot sex.
My friend Jim said about his early years that he was looking for his next wife in leather bars. He really wanted to get married and have children, but he kept going to leather bars and having hot sex with men.
So, guttermorality, when these tricks you are turning are lamenting their fate of "Why can't I find a boyfriend?" What the guy is really saying is "Why can't a find a really hot guy who would also be loving and warm on the inside." Because these guys are looking for a boyfriend using all the wrong criteria.
This brings up a final point. I am surprised you have not addressed this in this post, 'cause we have discussed it many a time. Let us call it, for this post, Noblesavage's iron clad rule of attractiveness:
The hotter the guy outside, the messier the guy inside.
We could say ugly, but that is not really right. What I mean is that there takes a certain discipline and hard work to look really good...to have the perfect hair, the perfect body, just the right clothes and all the rest. It takes a person a lot of time and effort and normal guys, guys who are kinda content with life just never have that kind of obsessive hunger to do crunches all the time, or never eat mayo.
That obsession usually comes from a certain neediness inside. This is not always true I suppose. But I have yet to see an exception.
The Noblesavage rule of attractiveness has a corollary that we shall call the Guttermorality Observation on Dating: The hunkier the guy, the less suitable he is for husband material.
Unfortunately, that is why too many guys are stuck alone. They could have a boyfriend they do not want -- because he would not be attractive enough -- or they get a boyfriend who is attractive enough, but with none of the traits that make for a decent boyfriend.
As long as I am rambling, let me conclude with some final advice.
The solution to this predicament is to position yourself as the welcome wagon to new gay guys in town from the small towns of America. That way, you can get the attractive guy before he turns all messed up. Of course, you run the risk that after a few years, that handsome yet naive guy will grow wiser and dump you. But that is for another posting.
noblesavage:
four things:
1. this post has nothing to do with my "moralism;" on the contrary, it's a practical guide to figuring out what a guy's real intentions are before one gets emotionally invested;
2. this post disputes your underlying thesis that a good fuck and a good boyfriend are always mutually exclusive. because, let's face it--after the new has worn off, good sex with your boyfriend depends far less upon how "hot" he is than upon how much you like and trust each other;
3. the noblesavage rule of attractiveness is, of course, pure genius, deserving of its own post [which it well may get]--up to now, you had never gone into the background reasoning for your thesis that "the hotter they are, the messier they are" [actually, you probably did, but my booze-addled brain doesn't remember], but it not only makes total sense, it explains so much about so many of the pretty, fucked-up people i've come across in my life and regretted fucking later;
and, finally
4. as for your last point--that only works for as long as you can keep 'em forcibly restrained from the awful tree of knowledge that is weho.
Oh how bloody awful. I will just die a single lonely old gay man in a nursing home then...
LOL!
wat: somehow i doubt that.
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