the pedophile joke

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i tend to divide the world into two groups: those who get the pedophile joke, and those who don't.

if you fall into the first group, i can probably relax around you; if you don't, i'll always have to be careful in what i say when you're around (in which case i'll probably write you off sooner than later, since i have a hard enough time tolerating people i'm comfortable with, much less those i have to tiptoe around).

i remember exactly where i was when i first heard the joke: a bunch of us had gone to grauman's chinese to see titanic in the big room (so this is, what--1997?). we settle into our seats, we're munching our popcorn, waiting for the lights to go down, and some guy in the row ahead of us tells the joke to his friends. one gasps, the other groans, but neither laughs.

but, boy, i do. in fact, i giggle all the way through the movie, much to the annoyance of everybody around me. titanic, i don't remember so much; the joke, i'll never forget. and in case you haven't heard it by now, it goes like this:

pedophile's walking a little kid into the woods. kid looks up at him, eyes wide, squeezes his hand and says, "gee, mister--it's cold and it's getting dark, and i'm scared."

pedophile looks down at the kid and says, "how do you think i feel? i have to walk back by myself."

after the movie we went somewhere for burgers, and i polled the group--there were six or seven of us--and only two other people found the joke even remotely funny; the rest were horrified that i'd laugh at a joke about child molestation and murder.

and that was one of those light-bulb moments when i realized how differently i see things than most people.

because to me, this wasn't even remotely a joke about child molestation and murder; it was a universal indictment of self-centered, narcissistic assholes everywhere (i.e., the quintessential l.a. inside joke)--and, even though the people around that table that night were talented actors and screenwriters who had individually and collectively been walked into the woods by a never-ending parade of such pedophiles, nobody seemed to get the joke but me.

well, this joke became my litmus test of compatibility--i told it to everybody, just to see how they'd react. and all my real friends (each of whom immediately saw the beauty of the joke, of course) knew this--and they always held my feet to the fire.

me: omigod, i've met this guy [insert name here] i think i really like.

them: yeah, yeah--have you told him the pedophile joke yet?

and almost always, i hadn't--and almost always when i did, that pretty much killed it.

[until v, of course, who not only got it, but--for whatever reason--still chooses to stick around.]

and you, faithful reader? when you first heard this joke, were you horrified, or did you laugh out loud?