- it's getting late, you're standing at the end of the bar, minding your own business and nursing your last cosmo, when all of a sudden this way-outta-your-league type you've been casting surreptitious glances at all night inexplicably turns to you and gives you the eye;
- or you're online and this guy who's ignored you forever is, for some reason, all of a sudden hitting you up.
- or you're hanging out with someone you've been crushing on for the longest time, and tonight his indifference turns into something else.
- or [insert "i want him way more than he wants me" scenario of your choice here--because god knows there's a million of 'em]
on the surface this is a no-brainer--everybody wants to bag a trophy, right?
maybe--but if you were asking me, my answer would totally depend not on the guy over there, but on the kind of guy you happen to be.
because when it comes to tricking up, there's basically two kinds of fags:
(1) those who view an opportunity like this as a pure, no-downside gift from god--like winning the lottery. these tend to be men who don't look to their casual sex partners for validation; far as they're concerned, they totally deserve any hot guy they can get (in other words, they're basically uncomplicated straight men who just happen to like dick); or
(2) those who question their lovability and self-worth on a daily basis, and who tend to take every rejection--even (or especially) from strangers--as a reminder from the universe that no one worth having will ever want them.
of course, these are the two extremes; you'll most likely fall somewhere in between.
and to the degree you're a type 1, i say, what the hell--go for it.
but--and this is the reason i'm writing this post--to the degree you're a type 2, i say, avoid tricking up like the plague.
and i can hear all you type 2's right now: "wtf--you're telling me to turn down sex with an uber-hottie?"
yeah, i am, because even though every bit of social conditioning you've ever had tells you that the experience should be unbelievably good, the actuality will probably be quite different.
consider: since good sex is all about relaxing and letting go of inhibitions--and since, if you're anything like most type 2's, all you're gonna be thinking about the whole time you're with this guy is the impression you're making--the sex is probably gonna be lousy.
or worse, maybe you'll get caught up in the whole thing and the sex will be really good.
how could that possibly be bad, you ask?
simple: you're gonna be all moony and infatuated and want more, which is gonna make the fact that his interest in you evaporates at about the same instant his cum hits the wall (or wherever) all the more painful. i mean, whether he's nice about it or a total asshole, chances are you're never gonna hear from him again.
or worse, maybe you will.
and how could that possibly be bad, you ask?
simple: he'll either just use you for awhile, or call you whenever he's hard up and expect you to fall all over yourself to accommodate him--and then you'll never hear from him again.
and, trust me, there are few things worse than falling into a pattern like that, because it gets to be a habit, with guy after guy after guy.
and how do i know all this, you ask?
simple:
(a) i've been burned once or twice in this regard (although i never allowed it to develop into a habit); and
(b) i talk to people--people i fuck, and even people i don't.
and over all the years i've been doing this and of all the people i've talked to, i've found that injudicious tricking-up has been the source of more pain and regret than any other variety of bad sex of which i've ever come across.
bottom line, cupcake: if you're even the least bit vulnerable in this area, avoid having sex with (and the ensuing emotional attachments to) hot guys who don't want you--trust me on this one, ok?
[and if it's any consolation, the shocked look on the guy's face when you smile back and say, "thanks, but i'm gonna pass" will help to tide you over when you think back on what might've been.]
________________
* the act of hooking up with either a perceived sexual superior or someone who, given other options, wouldn't look at you twice.
5 comments:
Well guttermorality...it does sound like you are speaking about something you know a lot about. Truth be told, I consider this a fun topic and I would like to know I myself have learned a thing or two about tricking both up and down.
There have not been many times that I have tricked up 'cause usually the hottie that is in the bar is just too damn needy.
Remember noblesavage's law of gay male psychological health: the prettier, the messier
Please remember this because it is an iron clad law like gravity and although Einstein showed that gravity bends, it is not broken.
So, the hotter guy, chances are the more needy they are and you are going to have bring enough maturity to share.
I have hung out with enough good looking gay guys and I can pretty much say it is always true.
So, if you trick more than one step up, you are going to have to do all of the work and you had better just accept it because if you don't the consequences are worse.
Now, it is possible to get the vain bastard who has stumbled into your bed to actually enjoy themselves and contribute to the festivities.
There are a few tricks that I will not share because these are trade secrets.
But, having said that, gutermorality is kinda sorta absolutely right that the moment the Mr. Goodlooking gets off, you will want to politely usher him out as quickly as possible because that is just what he wants. If he has invited you to his place, you will politely be putting on your jeans as fast as you can and refusing any offers to "spend the night" because if they are offered, it is just out of some mis-placed sense of proper etiquette.
One last point, 'cause I can testify that I have tricked down once or twice...don't hate me for not reciprocating your wanting to change the rules and turn a trick into a life-long romance.
I happen to believe that most guys who get all in a twitter about it need to be reminded that they are breaking the contract we signed off on: I'm happy I got off, I want to thank you, and then I want to go.
To these men who hold a grudge that I did not give you the chance to prove how wonderful a boyfriend you would be, I ask you this: What the fuck have you done when the tables were turned? You probably got the hell out as fast as you could and were a lot less gracious about it than I was to you.
One last thing: be nice to your roommate's tricks 'cause you never know when you might run in to them and actually even be in a tight spot where this person you pretty much treated with contempt can get those charges dropped, if only you hadn't been such a shit.
noblesavage: the thing is, you've always played this game well, and seemed to have an innate grasp of the rules from very early on, as witnessed by this comment (some of which material you've introduced will be covered in my summary to this topic--if i ever finish it, of course). would that that were true for most up-and-coming young homogays.
oh, and as for that last paragraph: you'll have to tell me that story sometime.
I'm not sure there's even an equivalent in the hetero world (although the pretty boys are usually the ones who are the absolute worst in bed. In high school the jocks couldn't understand why the girls preferred to date the band geeks), but I too want to hear Savage's story...cant' drop a bomb like that one and expect us to ignore it.
judi: oh, there are a myriad of equivalents in the hetero world--here are two:
1. the woman who deludes herself into believing a guy actually cares for her, when all she really is to him is just a place to put it.
2. the "nice guy" who knocks himself out for a woman who'll drop him in a heartbeat the instant the next bad boy comes along.
admittedly more subtle, since the hetero examples don't tend to play out in a matter of hours like the gay ones often do. same principle, tho, and same result.
I think neither one of those scenarios came to mind (and you are right about them) because I don't approach sex the same way other chicks do. I know a one night stand when I meet it. The hard part, I think, is when the One Night Stand tells you he'll call (even though you've told him it's cool, don't say it if you don't mean it, we had a good time, blah, blah, blah) and then he doesn't.
Just because we fuck doesn't mean we're going to get married.
I did, one time, dump a dude for the Bad Boy. It was really because the dude lived two hours away (he was a college boyfriend, and our college was in my hometown) and the temptation was too great. Of course the dude married the next girl he dated, I clung to the Bad Boy like a stupid girl, and it was a hard lesson to learn.*
*It should be noted that the bad boy introduced me to my husband (who wasn't just The Nice Guy, but was a Bad Baoy himself) *and* the bad boy and I are still friends 17 years later.
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