damn, those gates look familiar

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one of the more surreal aspects of life in los angeles (and trust me, there are many) is the constant commingling of tv reality and real reality with which we angelenos are forced to deal--especially, it would seem, when you live where i do.

see, i live in an isolated little canyon between beverly hills and mulholland drive which you can't get into or out of in either direction without traveling through far wealthier areas--you know, the kinds of places where shit happens that makes the news.

for instance:

1. i remember a few years back when a particular celebrity couple were about to bring their new baby girl home from the hospital--it was all anybody could talk about on television, and no matter what channel i flipped to, it was the same shot: some dumbass field reporter surrounded by a dozen satellite trucks in front of this pair of gates that i recognized, but try as i might, couldn't say exactly where i'd seen 'em.

whatever--i was on my way out the door. i flipped off the tv, grabbed my keys, headed down the canyon into beverly hills, turned left on hartford, then on lexington--my usual route when heading east towards the strip and beyond.

when all of a sudden, something unexpected stopped me in my tracks: ahead of me, at that point at which lexington fades right into alpine down to sunset--framed in my windshield just as it had been on my tv--was the instantly-familiar tableau of news vans and reporters doing their stand-ups in front of the very self-same white wrought-iron gates i couldn't quite place not five minutes earlier.

wow, who knew i passed right by tom cruise's house every goddam day?


2. it was late, i was hungry and there was nothing in the house--a familiar problem, always solved the same way: grab the keys, head up the canyon to mulholland, hang a left and then a quick right down beverly glen into the 24-hour fast-food capital of the world (i.e., the san fernando valley).

i remember that on this particular night i had decided on the taco bell on ventura, it being the closest. as i crested the hill and made the left onto mulholland, instead of the deserted, moonlit stretch of curving asphalt i was accustomed to at this time of night, i was greeted with a most unexpected sight: up ahead, a pandemonium of red-and-blue flashing lights, mobs of photographers and a line of police motorcycles halting all traffic (i.e., me).

i stopped, but before i could even roll down my window to ask the flashlight-waving officer what the fuck, the gates to the exclusive enclave which was the subject of all this attention swung open, and then suddenly there was this motorcade whooshing by, complete with sirens blaring and an ambulance as its centerpiece. the paparazzi and motorcycle cops quickly followed in its wake, leaving me there all by myself in the middle of the road.

as the gates slowly closed, i sat there for a minute in the sudden silence, thinking, "oh, this is gonna be good," then continued on my way.

back home, munching my nachos bell grande (with onions and extra sour cream), i turned on the tv, flipped through the channels--nothing. tmz had it, though--as soon as the page loaded, i spotted those familiar gates, along with the headline, "britney spears rushed to hospital after stand-off with police."

and just think--i was the first to know.


3. today. i'm on the westside in the middle of the afternoon, so i use my special shortcut to avoid traffic and get home--cut up beverly glen, right on charing cross, hook around the playboy mansion to sunset, take my right, get over quick in order to hang a left on--

holy shit, they've blocked off carolwood--what the fuck is going on?

i slow down to get a good look. it's then that i see it, just like it's been on tv for the past five days--the crowds, the cops, the flowers surrounding the gates i hadn't quite been able to place, even though i'd passed 'em a thousand times.

as the line of cars honks furiously behind me, all i can think is, "ah, this is so totally gonna fuck up my commute for the forseeable."

a little revenge beyond the grave for that post i just wrote about you, huh, michael?