sometimes when i have absolutely nothing new to say, i go back through my saved drafts just to see if some drunken diatribe i had the good sense to not let see the light of day back then might all of a sudden make sense to publish now.
99 times outta 100, the answer's not only no, but hell no--but tonight this one seemed like a fitting bookend to my previous post, so it's going in, goddammit.
* * * * *
so i'm listening to one of auntie vera's podcasts, and he closes, as always, with a song that ties into the day's show--today, it was don mclean's 'vincent.' having heard to this song a million times, my first instinct was to click over to his next show but then i thought, what the hell--it's been awhile.
so i listen--not as background noise on the radio while i'm doing something else, but really listen--and i'm struck for maybe the first time by what an incredibly poignant, well-crafted song this is. i start to sing the familiar words but by the end i have to stop, because--what the fuck--i'm crying, and i have no idea why.
of course, since i never learned how to cry, as soon as i realize i'm doing it, it's over and the wall's back up.
i can't tell you how much i envy all you assholes with honest access to your emotions--with me, they've always gotta sneak in through some unguarded back door, and they never stick around long.
10 comments:
yanno, mike, calling us assholes because we *feel* is a dick move.
i'm not particularly proud that my emotions are there, all the time, on my face and in my movements. i'm not bothered by the fact that i feel; rather, it's detrimental when you're sitting in a meeting with your corporate VP and you burst into tears over frustration. Not that you did anything wrong, but that you're just plain frustrated.
Doesn't make climbing the fucking corporate ladder any easier. And then you're known as the weak one.
Medications? They make everyone else feel less. For me, they make me able to cope with my emotions.
For just one day--a week, maybe--I'd love to change positions with you. Really.
Makes me even more determined to keep a beaten path that leads to that unguarded door..
'Starry, starry, night'
Can you send that to me, if you have it?
i heard it recently when it was used at the end of an episode of 'The Simpson's' in kind of a poignant way, and i got a little misty-eyed..
Miss you, babe..
judi: sorry if i offended, but i have a feeling that had i waited until i was sober and diplomatic, this post woulda never been written.
look, we all have our own particular crosses we bear throughout our lives, and god knows i'm far luckier than literally billions of other people on this planet--which is why you don't see posts like this very often around here.
yhm: i just downloaded it for you--it's on its way. and i miss you, too.
not offended per se, just speaking my mind...it's the beauty of your blog. i'm learning to not hold back 'cause i know your drunk (and ultimately sober) ass won't take things i say the wrong way.
besides, what fun is it to only see things through your myopic perspective? :::grin:::
love ya, mean it!
Well, next weekend Mike, I will be in LA and trust me I have been putting this off and off and off. Not because I am an arrogant dick (I have been commented on that in my blog) It's just that I, too, am pretty fucked up emotionally and LA is still a painfull ordeal of insidious nostalgia.
In my minds eye, the Luis of the 'blog' is an emotional wreck. I have met two - only two - readers of my blog in the five plus years I have written and the meetings have ended in tragic humiliation. The first time was horrible - I hadn't eaten, bathed or changed clothes for a while - and the snippy queen was appaulled at my 'back alley' appearance. I thought, "Does he not read what I write?! Only skimming to the sex parts?!" Entering with one assumption of me - I dunno, some cool world wise hip cat - and they are mortified at how 'blank' I am. How completely non-there. The real fear on my part is meeting V. With years of back and forth banter, I truly feel that he is in for a soul shattering let down...
With that speck of an excuse - I really would like to sit and have a drink with you and V. I have the copies - signed, thank you - of 'BF', and am looking forward to the trip. I won't go in here WHY I put off coming to LA for so long, but the pain runs fairly deep.
Yeah, yeah - I know - "get over it". That should have been the title of my blog haha (Sorry for this extended diatribe - but, I have recently became online 'pals' with Herr Judi and I wrote her about this at length. I seem to have lost your email address....as of this writing, I too am slightly(!) intoxicated and mired in depression)
Delete this if you see fit, I would...
color me jealous, my delicious boys.
Luis, the "Herr Judi" comment might be why ppl assume you're--what was it you said--a german midget? no? some shit like that.
i swear i pay attention.
really.
luis: "insidious nostalgia." i like that.
so by "next" weekend, i assume you're talkin the one after this upcoming one? whatever--v and i will be there.
and judi, we'll make sure and raise a glass to you.
harumph.
the party should come to ATX.
One thing that will amaze you, Mike - is I do talk like I write...'specially after a few stiff ones. Drinks that is...
luis: actually, i wouldn't expect anything less ;)
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