yeah, my family's fucked up. and it's also true that my brother and i are not close--before yesterday, we hadn't spoken in several years.
but that's not why i had to drug myself in order to pick up the phone and call him; i can't put that off on my brother or even my family at large. it's about me, really.
see, i am, for lack of a better word, depressed. and since i know that's a word that's thrown around a lot, lemme clarify. i'm not talking about "feeling a little down lately", nor do i mean the kind of depression that often accompanies an adverse life event such as getting divorced or fired or something. i don't even mean the kind of chronic depression that responds to psychotropic medication. this is different--i started shutting down when i was ten years old, and it's progressed pretty much steadily ever since, to the point that these days unless i'm drugged or drunk i don't feel much of anything (well, not anything good, anyway; when it comes to the bad stuff, trust me, i have a rich and varied emotional range).
but here's the other thing: since i am not by nature a whiner or attention-seeking exhibitionist, nor do i have any desire to suffer the burden of anyone's concerned solicitude for my well-being, i've gone to great lengths to hide my problem from the world--for most of my life, it's been all about putting up one front or another. problem is, as things progress, it's getting harder and harder to keep that shit up.
especially when it comes to the people about whom i'm supposed to care the most.
i mean, at work, and with people i know casually, it's still fairly easy to fake it, but the closer the relationship--the more that's required of me emotionally--the more distant i get, because i've pretty much lost the ability to evince the warmth and affection intrinsic to close human relationships. understand, i'm not saying that on some level somewhere i don't feel those things anymore--hell, if i didn't there'd be no problem; i'd just cut myself off from everyone. what i'm saying is, unless i'm drunk or drugged, i can't get anywhere near what feelings i have left for the people who love me and are hurt by my seemingly growing indifference--and that sucks more than i can possibly tell you.
maybe more about that later--for now, lemme just say this: i've decided to do a little experiment. i'm gonna use the venue afforded by this blog to just be who the fuck i really am--without artifice and pretense and filtering and acting like everything's ok, or worrying what people are gonna think--and just see what happens. and while i can't promise it'll be interesting to anybody else--hell, will probably horrify more than a few (because it's dark in here, folks)--at the very least i'm hoping it'll be somewhat freeing for me, because i could sure as hell use the release.
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6 comments:
That is, for the most part, exactly the way in which this forum can be best used.
I'm telling you, if I hadn't been so desperate to actually meet people and shuck the anonymity... I'd have used this forum for all it was worth.
I often wish I had stayed that way solely for the license for pure honesty it would have given me.
So... go for it!
oh, c'mon, atari--all that tells me is, you need to start a shadow blog.
[yeah, "shadow blog"--a newly-coined guttermorality term, the meaning of which to even the casual observer is instantly clear (not that i'll get credit when it comes into mainstream usage, but what the fuck--unrealized genius is my destiny, right?)]
all i'm asking is, when you take the plunge, you clue me in as to your shadow blog's name--i promise i won't tell anybody ;)
Hmmm.
Well guttermorality, articulate as usual. One of the interesting things about many of the autobiographies I have read is that the unvarnished honesty comes through despite a person's attempts to hide it or gloss over it.
I mean, for example, I recently attended a funeral service where every speaker had nothing but the incredible things to say about the dead guy. He was a saint. Except anyone who knew him also knew much better. He was far from that. In fact, when no one was watching, he was a self-interested bastard who fucked over more than a few people. But he always wanted to be known as a saint -- even when he wasn't. His venality was, I must admit, exceptional.
I think a lot of people would like the world to see them as the image they put up and not as they are. This leads to a huge disconnect and usually, for the person, enormous emotional dissonance.
So authenticity to yourself and to others is a very healthy thing.
That said, lots of folks are really scared of dark feelings. It is why we, so very often, never confront them and instead hide them in ourselves and ignore them in others.
I've been there.
The problem is that it doesn't work out too well.
There are people who actually not only accept the darkness, but have grown comfortable there. It is a place few people are comfortable in...so it kinda makes us a rare bread. And for the record, I LOVE the dark spaces and shadows and self-hating angst and pain and shame that we are have and so few will acknowledge.
Why do I love it so much you ask? Well, I could save it for my own blog, but the truth of the matter is I am not much invested in hiding it: The darkness is necessary for our own completion. It makes us fully human and whole. When you reject it, you reject part of you.
This is all, perhaps, a little too much therapy babble. Really it all inarticulate Jungian psychotherapy babble.
But I have found it works for me.
And if you call me an ass or a idiot or perhaps something even original AND nasty (good put downs are so rare), it will not get me down, but I will revel in it and enjoy the moment for reasons you will perhaps always be too afraid to understand.
n2deep, i've spent some time with your comment, and first, i'd like to say thanks for the insight; it's given me stuff to think about. second, i'd never put anyone down for something as heartfelt and thoughtful as that which you've taken the time to write. third, while i agree that people shouldn't deny the darkness within (because god knows that, even with all the downside, i'd sure as hell rather be me than some vapid pollyanna), there has to be a balance--and, trust me when i say this: i'm way, way outta balance.
byzantine boy: i saved your comment but i removed it from the blog.
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