why is sex like pizza?
because when it’s good, it’s really, really good. and when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.
or so the old joke goes. it's a good line, but it's also a big lie, and it’s one that lots of people buy into. truth is, there are few things more damaging to the gay male psyche than a steady diet of bad sex.
who the fuck am i to make such a pronouncement, you may ask? i'm just a guy who's walked the talk--i'm no sex expert with broad sweeping knowledge, nor do i pretend to be; on the contrary, my area of expertise is fairly narrow--but, trust me, it's deep.
and how do i define bad sex? oh, there’s all kinds of bad sex; we’ll get into that in future posts. tonight we're gonna talk about that much rarer commodity: good sex. far as i've been able to determine, the odds that sex between two guys will be good improve to the degree that there is
- mutual attraction. you're into each other
- mutual respect. neither of you is looking down on (or up to) the other
- sexual compatibility. the lid fits the pot
- a common goal. whether casual or serious, everybody's on the same page
- a pleasant aftertaste. the feeling you take with you from your last encounter will color the way you approach the next--remember, your baggage is accumulated one item at a time.
in other words, (a) if you're willing to hold out until it's right, you won't have sex with lots of different guys, but most of the sex you do have will be good; and (b) if you're willing to settle just to get off, you'll have buttloads of sex with lots of different guys, and lots of that sex will be bad.
and, bottom line, the more bad sex you have, the more likely it is you'll probably need cockrings and viagra by the time you're 27 (or 32 or 38 or 45, take your pick).
[next: the many faces of bad sex]
10 comments:
heh! This all sounds about right to me. And the thought of Viagra at 27... I'm basically 40 and I get hard at the drop of a hat, for the most part. Are there really people who are that jaded/bored about sex that they really need viagra?
Sex is ALWAYS good. And big city kids are taking viagra? WTF?! Well, least it don't have that stainky smell of poppers!
atari: i figured this stuff would be second nature to you, but you'd be surprised how many guys would read this and say some or all of it is bullshit. and as for your question, all i can say is, you have no idea.
luis: hey, i'm talkin about the norm here (from which you are, to put it delicately, a deviation). while i know your mind torments you in many different ways, count your blessings that it has left your capacity for the simple, uncomplicated enjoyment of sex pretty much intact.
Well, guttermorality...
You have touched upon a topic that everyone thinks they know something about...except since it is sex between two guys, only a few people (although perhaps more than you would think) know anything about.
First, let me say that in the leather community, there are a the bywords of "trust, honor, and respect" and "safe, sane, and consensual." These are terms that are used to convey what is a good "scene" (in leathersex, you have scenes) from a bad one.
Let me make a suggestion, most people want sex to involve some emotional component. A satisfying emotionally involved sexual encounter is dependent upon how vulnerable you are willing to be with another person even if it is a stranger. Bad sex fucks you up as a gay man when you are vulnerable with another guy and he turns out to be a shithead.
I have had great sex with a guy or two that disobeyed some or most of your rules (not sure about all).
I have also been disappointed a few times when it just wasn't working out even though the categories were all checked.
Now, there is another type of sex, that is raw animalistic sex that is just about getting off and pleasure and whatnot. You may occasionally look up and realize you are with other people and they might have wants or needs too. This type of sex ONLY works when there is sexual compatibility. If you get off on being the active partner, you kinda sorta really need to be with someone who gets off on being the passive partner. Or whatever else you are interested in doing 'cause the same idea applies to golden showers too.
The best sex, in my opinion, is the first time with another person when you are pleasantly surprised at how great it is and how it is captured all in a perfect moment.
Part of the reason, I think, that is the case is you can then look back fondly and put a post-coital haze around it being oh so much better than it ever was.
Finally, since you brought it up, quantity of sex really does not have much relation to quality. The trick is to choose your partners well. For many guys, that means if you find someone good, you do repeat engagements.
Repeating with the same guy does not work for some (are you listening guttermorality?). That is because they are not really seeking to connect with another person, but in something lost in themselves...and nothing, and I do mean nothing, is going to help get you there until you're ready to look inside.
Bottom line: the guys who are best at sex with an emotional component are the ones who have the most to give emotionally. If you are emotionally needy, you probably do not have much to offer.
Personally, I would rather go with a decent looking guy that has worked on his insides, than a vain basket case (there are so many) that has only worked on his outside. Those are the guys end up cracking on addicted to meth and using Viagra at 38. I know enough.
One final thing:
Looking at my post, I realize that I did not pay enough attention to, nor appreciation for your five categories.
They are certainly a good place to start.
I do think that respect is very important in any good sexual encounter, but they key is trust. Without trust, all you have is the male black widow spider quickly doing its business before the female wakes up and eats him.
Finally, as a critique, I also think your scoring system works best with what most guys are looking for in tricking. Really, in my opinion, everyone wants to get off but is secretly hoping they will find the guy they can share their life and heart with.
All the partnered guys I know are looking to get off and get back home 'cause they said they were out to get a dozen eggs to whip up some butter pound cake.
All the married guys I know feel alone and want an emotional connection with another guy they crave but have to keep hidden most of the time.
All the single guys, for the most part, really want head over heels love, but are usually cautious 'cause they know that mr. right is not standing next to them at the Slammer and even if he is, he's pretty much looking to get off.
So, guttermorality, your scoring system I think works best with single guys rating their hook ups. Ironically, it may be the gay male version of the Cosmo quiz "Is he right for you?"
noblesavage: thanks as always for your most thoughtful comments.
and yeah, i’m taking on good sex v. bad sex. note, however, that i said that i’m no sex expert; note also the fact that nowhere in this post did i attempt a general definition of “good” sex, because you’re right—that’s way too subjective. my goal here was not to take on the impossible task of laying out all the myriad elements that make sex good as much as it was to point out those few essential elements without which sex is almost guaranteed to be bad (and of course this is just my opinion, based not only on my own experiences but on my observation of and conversations with countless gay men over the years—as such, it should be taken for what it’s worth, but i’ve been writing this post in my head from the day i first had sex with a man and i stand by it).
and you’re also right that the focus here is pretty much on casual sex; as such, elements such as intimacy, trust and vulnerability which (to my mind anyway) come into play over time as one’s partner ceases to be an object and becomes a person are better left to exploration by people with experience in that area—because god (and noblesavage) knows that’s not me.
and again, as someone who’s always seen trust as something that’s built over time, your concept of trust among strangers seems more illusory to me than anything else (although i know you’re far from alone here); as far as vulnerability and (pseudo) intimacy among strangers goes, i think that’s dangerous ground—truthfully, most of the emotionally well-adjusted gay men i know (i.e., guys who would be deserving of such vulnerability) are not people you’re likely to run into on the casual-sex circuit.
finally, i believe your notion that “everyone wants to get off but is secretly hoping they will find the guy they can share their life and heart with” is probably true at least 80% of the time—which is what makes casual sex such a potential minefield for the psyche, and, thus, drove me to start this series in the first place. be careful with your hearts, boys—it’s all fun and games until somebody gets hurt.
I think what you have created is a scorecard not just to rate the sex you had, but also to rate the sex you are thinking of having. That would be useful. However, as it is hard getting lots of useful information from manhunt profiles, I'm not sure most guys are getting enough information before they make a selection.
My experience has been that about 50 to 80 percent of the time, the casual sex I have had is just not worth bothering. It is the one in five or one in ten times, however, that put a smile on my face and keep me trying, despite the bad odds. Hey, I've got time.
Don't anyone keel the fuck over, but I actually agree with Noblesavage (and yeah, this is what I get for spending the weekend sleeping instead of checking in here).
I'd say my odds with casual sex has been better, but I'm not so sure it has.
But it's really not just a boy thing...or maybe women just don't talk about their casual encounters nearly enough...I don't know. I do know; however, that it's a complete letdown when one has had the 'perfect on paper' dude in their bed for a night and then never hears from them again. It's a total mindfuck and there's really only one of two things to do--stop having casual encounters, or stop bitching about them.
I echo the sentiment that 'I've got time' but I still need to get laid. I just have to remember that, no matter how *good* things appear, it's still just a one-night stand. When I go with that approach I'm seldom dissapointed (in myself).
judi: i have so fucking missed you--and where's the pic of that boi i asked for?
That we're both up at 5 something in the morning doesn't bode well for either of us, although I'd venture to say that you're probably 'hopped up on the happy juice' and i'm stone cold sober.
Is 9 am too early for a beer?
You've only missed me because I bring your readership down ya fuckin' hermit.
The boi (ahem. BOY.) extended his vacation and doesn't get back until today. But he does fall into the category of which we've been speaking, so if the opportunity presents itself you'll get your damn picture!
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