and also because
(1) it came up on shuffle tonight at just the precise point of drunkenness necessary to trigger the following sixteen-year-old memory; and
(2) fuck economics--tonight mkf's in a storytelling mood.
* * * * *
so i'm sitting in my car behind gold coast, lighting another cigarette, checking out the parking lot, wondering if i'll have to actually get out and go in to find love tonight--when all of a sudden he's there at my window, this gorgeous eurasian guy--cocking his head, smiling brightly at me and asking, "wanna fuck?"
well, hell yeah i do--and we do, and it's good.
afterwards, we lay in each others' arms and talk, and i find to my surprise that in addition to being merely gorgeous, this guy--let's call him 'r'--is also smart and accomplished and funny and sweet, and we apparently vibe at the same frequency in lots of areas.
he impresses me--he's not only a practicing attorney, he's also a working actor. he shows me his reel, and i watch him perform in any number of tv shows i've watched over the years.
he makes me laugh--he explains his unusual name by telling me how his german grandmother named him after her favorite nazi field marshal, but the priest refused to baptize her grandchild until she changed the "o" to a "u."
he makes me cry--he tells me about the fifteen years he spent with the guy he met in his freshman year at usc--the guy who died last year.
he drives me crazy--he tells me about fritz, the abusive asshole he's been seeing for the last six months whose shitty treatment finally drove him into my random arms this particular night.
damn, could this be the one?
i remember pulling him close and telling him, "i could fall for you, you know," and meaning it--and i can just as clearly remember him smiling and saying, "don't mess it up by doing that."
did i listen? hell, would you have?
i could go into all the drama of the ensuing six months, but why bother? suffice it to say that when he finally called me and said, "i'm sorry, mkf--i'm staying with fritz," i bought a quart of vodka on my way home and then drank, smoked, cried and listened to the song that triggered this post on an endless loop until the sun came up.
thanks again, r, for adding another brick to my wall.
[and yeah, i know--had r actually loved me back, i'd have most likely run screaming in the opposite direction; this self-knowledge doesn't make the memory any less bittersweet, trust me.]
8 comments:
It's nice to know that us women don't have the corner on mourning what was never really ours to begin with.
it's the unavailability that makes it easy to love these bastards...you knew he'd go back to Fritz before you even said goodbye that night.
Wow. You struck a chord in my heart buddy. Feelings like that sort of fuck up your insides for a long while... but then you shake if off and move on.
Don't worry MFK (still not sure what your name is) an intelligent, charismatic guy like yourself will do fine. Too bad another brick has been placed on your wall...
Besitos and hugs...
so, you have an R associated with this particular song, and i have a C (who, by the way, was very patronizing).
i said my first goodbye to C at the corner of broome and 6th one late morning in the early 90s with the most consuming kiss i think i have ever had..... and i sang this song to myself all the way back to my sublet at 22nd and 9th.
a year or so later i said my second and final goodbye to C on the corner of ponce de leon and candler by throwing my whiskey glass into the ground at his feet.
and that is the last thing i ever said to C.
judi: you have it exactly right.
eddie: thanks for that, man. and actually, i've been quite lucky--i found one who loves me back.
oh, and it's mike, btw.
thanksforlooking: ah, so you definitely can relate ;)
Well, I've got two comments.
First, you had some really strong feelings around the Asian field marshall. Those feelings may not have all been happy, but it shows that you are capable of deep feeling. When you are capable of such feelings and they hurt, it also means you are certainly capable of such feelings in a more positive way.
Second, and I say this with love in my heart and kindness in my voice, you were truly insufferable during this time. You were just like the puppy dog you accused me of being when you first met me...so there. And, that you would associate the most syrupy, most commercial of songs with your time with the Asian field marshall was and is just kinda appropriate.
Finally, a bonus: This was for you, as you seemed to have forgotten, a really happy point for you. You really cared for the guy and you really were happy about it. It was your first true love and you were just kinda really happy about that, even when it was not reciprocated. And you know what, as you look back at that, it is kinda something to smile about now.
noblesavage:
yeah, you hated the little field marshal before you ever even met him, didn't you?
probably my fault--i have no doubt i was insufferable during that time. but hey, it was nice to know i could feel something--anything--positive, and i guess i reveled in it while it lasted.
i gotta take exception with you on one point though: "i can't make you love me" is a great record--masterfully composed, performed with mature virtuosity by the woman who was born to sing it, arranged and accompanied to perfection by the best keyboardist of his generation--sublime, blows me away every time i hear it to this day.
Oh my, what a cool story. Never sat behind GOLD COAST long enuff to have this happen to me, but now that I'm thinking, some blonde dude did hit on me here a few years ago, and I just kind of walked away in confusion.
Time for me to go back someday now that I'm more confident and in my prime!
wat: thanks for that. and don't waste your prime--it only comes around once--but be careful how and where you spend it. tell ya the truth, i'm not so sure vaseline alley behind gold coast would be the place i'd point you to these days.
Post a Comment